April 8, 9, 2010, I'll be speaking at Owensboro Community and Technical College in Owensboro , Kentucky. My book, Mothering Mother is their Spring Common Reading Room book recommended for their entire college to read. They're embracing the message-that when a community cares about caregiving, it makes a big difference.
Caregiving is a community affair. It impacts our society as well as our families. Meeting the needs of one elder can often take a two dozen people-doctors and nurses, rehabilitation therapists, pharmacist's, the clergy and church members, neighbors, extended family and the list goes on.
But more important, caring for an elder impacts the family. Ask any grandchild who is facing the loss of a grandparent-what it's like for them and their parents-the worry, exhaustion, grief, and guilt that come in tow. Caregiving can change a family-in good and in challenging ways. Families sacrifice, grapple to find the time and resources needed, and then feel at a loss when there's nothing more youan do to make things better.
This isn't an "age" problem. Many teens, college age persons and young adults care give as well. Cancer, mental illness, accidents, and heart disease are just a few of the diseases and circumstances that can enter a person's life at any age.
And right now, we're all struggling-financially-to make ends meet. Many families have moved in together and created multi-generational households out of necessity. Loss of jobs and not being able to afford professional care are just some of the reasons we come under one roof. We pool our resources and do the best we can-we love and give-and hope it's enough.
I'll gather with the nursing department, "The Family" psychology class, English classes,give a reading and even do a presentation for the community at the Shephard Center. Many are free and open to the public-so if you live in Kentucky or Southern Indiana -consider stopping by.
I'm grateful for the opportunity to share my story. When a community listens, people come together, learn, ask questions and begin to prepare. Caregiving is so much easier when we gather our resources and share the load.
People Are About as Happy as They Make Up Their Minds To Be…A Caregiver's Choice
People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be. ~Abraham Lincoln
I find it pretty amazing that this quote is attributed to Abraham Lincoln. <http://http:/www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/grant/peopleevents/p_lincoln.html>
He didn't exactly have a cushy life.
His mother died when he was nine, and although his family could barely survive, young Lincoln gave up hunting after watching a turkey suffer after he shot the bird(the bird thing is a side note, but I found it interesting).
He didn't just become president over night-he was a lawyer, then tried for congress (twice) but was defeated by Stephen Douglas-over the issue of abolition.
He married Mary Todd, and three of their four children would die before adulthood. This left Mary, who already suffered with depression <http://www.depression.com>, even more mentally unstable. As Abraham Lincoln's life began to evolve more and more around politics, his marriage suffered.
President Lincoln was under great stress to try to hold our country together in perhaps its most challenging time. He did so, but with great personal sacrifice. He was assasinated when he was only 56 years old.
According to today's standards of what qualifies as a "good life," Abraham Lincoln's journey would not be considered an easy one-then or now.
(Other great quotes by Lincoln <http://http:/showcase.netins.net/web/creative/lincoln/speeches/quotes.htm>)
And yet, we all owe him a great debt. He held America together and changed the course of history. His words and example still inspire us today.
He doesn't exactly seem like a person who would focus much on the meaning of happiness-but who better than someone who knew, but did not give into sadness/
Happiness is a lot about choice. It's a state of mind and way of looking at things. It doesn't change the facts. If your mom has 'Alzheimers, <http://www.alz.org>if your dad fell and broke his hip, that's a fact-but how you deal with it-that's up to you.
There were many times in Mr. Lincoln's life when I'm sure he had to choose to simply go on, breathe in and out, and keep on doing the task at hand. Sometimes happy isn't about being happy, but choosing not to be unhappy (aka miserable). Caregivers know this well.
According to the Princeton online dictionar <http://wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn>y, happiness means:
?
state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy
?
emotions experienced when in a state of well-being
Where did the word "happy" come from?
It dates back to 1340, from the waord, "hap," which was connected to chance or fortune.
(From Etymology.com <http://http:/www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=blithe>)
1340, "lucky," from hap "chance, fortune" (see
haphazard <http://caroldodell.wordpress.com/index.php?term=haphazard>), sense of "very glad" first recorded c.1390. Ousted O.E. eadig (from ead "wealth, riches") and gesælig, which has become silly <http://caroldodell.wordpress.com/index.php?term=silly>. O.E. bliðe "happy" survives as blithe <http://caroldodell.wordpress.com/index.php?term=blithe>. From Gk. to Ir., a great majority of the European words for "happy" at first meant "lucky." An exception is Welsh, where the word used first meant "wise." Used in World War II and after as a suffix (e.g. bomb-happy, flak-happy) expressing "dazed or frazzled from stress." Happiness is first recorded 1530. Happy hour"early evening period of discount drinks and free hors-d'oeuvres at a bar" is first recorded 1961. Happy-go-lucky is from 1672. Happy as a clam (1636) was originally happy as a clam in the mud at high tide, when it can't be dug up and eaten.
How does it relate to caregiving?
Much of caregiving doesn't fall under the category of "happy." While parts might be necessary, needed, serve a purpose, and at times, appreciated-as a caregiver <http://www.caregiver.org> I found that I had to fight or choose to be happy. Let me tell you, I know how it feels to push that rock up hill. There were some days when a Volkswagen Bug full of 50 clowns wouldn't have gotten my mother to crack a smile! Caregiving taught me how little I could control, and writing Mothering Mother <http://http:/www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/160164003X/ref=nosim/theplanningsh-20>helped me to reflect on my journey.
I had to look for the good, the funny, the crazy and ironic. I had to let go, give up, give in, and simply trust. So much was so way beyond anything I could have prepared for that it was in a way, left up to luck, to chance-to hope. And maybe that's where the happy part comes in. When you can't control it, you might as well choose to see the good, any good that comes your way.
The smallest of good/happy moments could make my day-a cardinal <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NrI8t6nhlgg>dipping past my window-I love how they fly-dip, dip, dip-their bright wings in defiance of a winter morning.
Bottom line, if Abe Lincoln can choose to be happy, then so can I.
Happy for no reason. Let luck and chance blow in like a surprising summer rain. Trust that it's all meant for the good.
Right now, with all the economic challenges <http://usgovinfo.about.com/cs/uspresident/a/radio031304.htm>we face individually and collectively, I feel like I don't have a choice-either crawl in the bed and pull up the covers (indefinitely), or keep an eye out for bright red birds and all the amazing small wonders that surround us.
~'Carol ODell <http://http:/showcase.netins.net/web/creative/lincoln/speeches/quotes.htm>
