Planning for the birth of most children begins when the husband responds to the wife at the breakfast table, "You're what?"
Even in our modern world with a great deal of knowledge about sexuality and the reproductive process, many children are still born as a result of the passions and moods of the moment rather than through careful family planning. As a result, many people end up with more children than they originally planned.
After watching The Sound of Music, a couple may think it would be great fun to have half a dozen little choristers running around the house, but they soon find that a large family presents great strains and difficulties. What can they do to adjust to the realities of their situation?
Responsible people acknowledge that their children are a fact and they accept responsibility for them. The children are not going to go away - at least not for many years - and denying reality is not going to change it. Strangely enough, though, denial is at the root of most problems of even Christian parents. One or both of the marriage partners refuse to realize that this is life, and that they must adjust their priorities accordingly.
No one can continue the same life that was lived before the children were born. Parents can no longer maintain the same relationships with singles, go to parties, be free to buy whatever they wish, and so on. The reality of being parents of several children must be acknowledged.
It puts a terrible strain on the marriage relationship when one partner acknowledges this and the other does not. If the woman takes on the responsibilities of mother and wife, and the man feels free to join the bowling league, play softball, and go out with the fellows to lift weights or play golf, then the wife is bearing the burden of the family-and this is not fair. Once the children are a fact, both partners must acknowledge the reality and begin to make adjustments.
It is naive and foolish to believe that life is not changed by adding children to the family. When we had one baby, it slowed us down considerably. When we had two, it seemed we went at about half speed.
When the third came along, we became almost immobile. It became a terrible effort to go anywhere - to church, to see friends, to buy groceries. For a couple of years we had to limit our out-of-the-house activities, because the energy required to do them was too great. We could not maintain enough strength to do our work and all these other things as well. Accepting this reality rather than rejecting it and dreaming about easy-maintenance children is the key to successfully adjusting to a larger family.
Many men and women adjust economically and physically sooner than they adjust mentally. To adjust mentally means accepting the fact that your family exists and then beginning to seek your happiness in your family, enjoying one another and. the things that draw you together. It means bearing one another's burdens, sharing responsibilities and duties-housekeeping, baths, diapers, meal preparation-fairly. It may mean reevaluating male and female roles. The wife cannot be expected to work night and day while the husband works only in the day.
To adjust well mentally, it is helpful to stop saying, "When we get these children raised, we are going to be happy." Instead, stop and look at the joys of having children exactly the ages of yours. What is the special charm of a two-year-old, a four-year old, a ten-year-old, a teenager? Learn to delight in that reality rather than waiting for that idyllic day when everyone will be sitting around the table looking like a Norman Rockwell magazine cover.
In essence, the key to happiness in marriage and family living is accepting adult responsibilities and acting on them in a mature fashion. When you have put aside your childish and unrealistic aspirations, you can get to work on the real challenge. You will then discover that the challenge is a joy in itself.
Parents become frustrated when they are torn between two alternatives. On the one hand, they want to have these children; on the other hand, they want all the advantages of the lives they led before the kids were born. When they take away the second option and say, "I choose to focus on my family and these responsibilities," then they can be single-minded; then their frustration diminishes and they begin to reap the promised joys of parenthood.
You will always have friends who make other choices: a cruise rather than a family camping trip, a sports car rather than tricycles and a swing set, a demanding career rather than the P.T.A. presidency. You may also have friends who would give anything to have children, but are unable to do so. Once you have children, though-or once you discover that you never will have them-your choice is made. At that point, the question is this: "How can I find joy in the choice I have made?"
Personally, I'm thankful for my children. As parents, my wife and I could not do everything we could have done if we had remained childless-but then we wouldn't have our three children, and I can't even imagine not knowing them. Now I'm looking forward to old age with grandchildren surrounding me. That will be much more satisfying than the memory of having once owned a fancy sports car.
