My mother depended on my father for driving until his death in 2006, shortly after I graduated high school. I stayed in town to support her and my siblings while attending community college and working part-time. Since then I've been driving her, my siblings- who are now in middle and high school- and myself everywhere.
Needless to say, managing 5 schedules, and new man-of-the house responsibilities took it's toll and I have 9 credit hours and 4 academic suspensions to my name at 2 different colleges. Therapy helped somewhat- I stopped going to any useful sessions months ago. I haven't been to school in over a year, thankfully, and I recently got a management position in a retail chain (nothing prestigious, but it is what it is). I'm ready to move on.
My mother has had her license and lessons, but wont drive. We only have one car. She wont let me know my financial situation, and it's been like this for too long. It's not like my mom is stupid, she has a Master's and just landed a management position where she works as well.
Extended family isn't in the picture. For all intents and purposes, we have no extended family. I am the oldest of 4 children. I've held AT LEAST one part-time job at a time since age 16, and by my calculations should have at the very least $5k in a savings account, if not $18k, but recently found out I have much less than $1k.
To make things worse, it's a savings account that my mother controls- it is under my name, but only my mother can touch it. Money is taboo, and no matter how I try to confront my mother, she waves it off. Intervention with a family friend months ago resulted in nothing. I don't necessarily think she's being vindictive, but I'm 23 and this is LONG overdue. I feel like my mother still treats my like a child, when I'm not. If I walk away from her in a heated disagreement, she calls the police. It's happened twice, though not recently. I'm not crazy, not depressed, and not violent towards anyone. She's the type to over-react to EVERYTHING.
How do I approach this whole situation without feeling like I'm abandoning my family?
posted by Giggilituffin <http://www.metafilter.com/user/103247> to human relations <http://ask.metafilter.com/human-relations> (23 comments total) 2 users marked this as a favorite <http://ask.metafilter.com/favorited/3/146613>
If the account is in your name, go to the bank and withdraw the funds. Open an account for yourself at another bank. Stop giving your mother money. She's using it to control you.
posted by ocherdraco <http://www.metafilter.com/user/63166> at 9:37 AM <http://ask.metafilter.com/146613/How-do-I-handle-my-familypersonal-situation> on February 22 [9 favorites <http://ask.metafilter.com/favorited/4/2100248>]
I can't believe your mother controls your savings account at 23. You've been an adult for FIVE years. Walk into a bank, and open up an account under your own name. Taking charge of your own money is the first step in taking back your life.
posted by changeling <http://www.metafilter.com/user/41831> at 9:38 AM <http://ask.metafilter.com/146613/How-do-I-handle-my-familypersonal-situation> on February 22 [2 favorites <http://ask.metafilter.com/favorited/4/2100249>]
You can start by getting yourself your own bank account -- of course you're old enough to do that, and the $1k you have in the other account might just have to be a loss. Start over, start routing your paychecks where you want them to go, and deal with your money yourself. If your mother won't let you have the conversation, then don't have it.
As for the driving, it's time to start saying no. If you need a car to get around and you're worried you will be denied the 1 far, then perhaps first figure out how long you need to work and how much you need to save to buy a cheap used one, and buy it. Don't let anyone else have the keys (not for fear that they'll use them as much as for fear that they'll keep them from you), and start saying no to driving your family around.
And, hopefully, start moving out soon too. Your mother is functional and has a job. Your brothers and sisters will be ok, you're not abandoning them, you don't have to leave, you can still be on hand for emergencies, but you need to start being able to put your foot down when it's not an emergency. Also, if you're 23, presumably at least one of your younger siblings is old enough to drive now too?
Start taking control of your own life. I would recommend going back to therapy to work on the actual conversations you need to have and the actual steps you need to take, but I would open the new bank account TODAY. seriously.
posted by brainmouse <http://www.metafilter.com/user/94580> at 9:40 AM <http://ask.metafilter.com/146613/How-do-I-handle-my-familypersonal-situation> on February 22 [2 favorites <http://ask.metafilter.com/favorited/4/2100252>]
You're old enough to 1) start your own bank account, 2) deposit your paychecks into said checking account. If you have a steady income that is enough to pay for an apartment, withdraw the money from your savings and move out.
While you do get to live rent-free, you are paying more than this in the chores you do for the family, and letting your mom control all of your funds. 23 is WAY too old for your mom to still keep your own earnings from you. You are an adult, and you don't have to let her control you.
posted by ishotjr <http://www.metafilter.com/user/90499> at 9:40 AM <http://ask.metafilter.com/146613/How-do-I-handle-my-familypersonal-situation> on February 22
Also, you may feel guilty, but plenty of single parents manage without making their children serve in a parental role. If your mom has a license and can drive, she has absolutely no excuse for making you do all the driving for five people. It's ridiculous. Your mom may need therapy, because she's clearly not coping well with change, and puts the burden on you. If you're 23, I'm guessing at least one of your siblings is old enough to get a drivers license and take on some of the driving.
posted by ishotjr <http://www.metafilter.com/user/90499> at 9:42 AM <http://ask.metafilter.com/146613/How-do-I-handle-my-familypersonal-situation> on February 22 [1 favorite <http://ask.metafilter.com/favorited/4/2100259>]
Also..I would be careful around her...if she is prone to calling the police over silly things...be careful you don't end up in cuffs with a domestic charge by default. Watch your back.
posted by ian1977 <http://www.metafilter.com/user/33792> at 9:56 AM <http://ask.metafilter.com/146613/How-do-I-handle-my-familypersonal-situation> on February 22
There's already good advice here, but I just want to address this:
How do I approach this whole situation without feeling like I'm abandoning my family?
I had to make a decision once where I had the same feeling. I'll repeat what a wise counselor told me:
"You're afraid of abandoning someone else, so you'd rather abandon yourself?"
posted by The Deej <http://www.metafilter.com/user/21431> at 10:01 AM <http://ask.metafilter.com/146613/How-do-I-handle-my-familypersonal-situation> on February 22 [2 favorites <http://ask.metafilter.com/favorited/4/2100287>]
First, go to your bank as others have suggested and open a new account. You will have a new account and can move your money into it by writing a check from your old account to your new account in under an hour.
Second, go to the library and check out a few "for dummies" kinds of books on personal finance. You will feel SO AWESOME when you get a grip on how to handle your money and your future. You can totally do it. People are not born with this knowledge and it can be hard to get without a mentor or help. If your parents did not help you with these skills (seems not) and your schooling hasn't provided it (typical) then you can learn it yourself in a weekend. There's some books aimed specifically at personal finance in your 20s. Check them out and learn to be free!
Third, after you have done these things time to sit down with your mom and outline a schedule for when you can make yourself available. I suggest one weekend a month. Maybe two Sunday night dinners. Or whatever. This is a reasonable amount of time for a busy adult to spend with their parents and siblings. Also, once a boundary has been set and you all have successfully managed to work within those boundaries then things can get looser.
I'm sorry that you lost your Dad at such a young age. I know things are hard for your mother and your siblings. You can help them more by disassociating and becoming a responsible adult with adult resources and capabilities. Schooling is part of that. You need to focus on that and your job and your life goals. Good luck -- you can do it!
posted by amanda <http://www.metafilter.com/user/1712> at 10:05 AM <http://ask.metafilter.com/146613/How-do-I-handle-my-familypersonal-situation> on February 22 [1 favorite <http://ask.metafilter.com/favorited/4/2100296>]
