Kids learn very quickly how to get what they want. If the daughter of the family discovers that Mom's no can turn into Dad's yes with the right amount of lip protruding, you can bet that this tactic will become used often to get her way. Parents who already experience pain in disciplining a misbehaving teen may find themselves held emotionally hostage as the young person runs to his room, his screams of hate echoing in the halls. Manipulation leaves traces of bitterness and resentment on its victims, breaking down relationships.

For any person, the process of choosing manipulative persuasion is quite simple: "If it works to get what I want, I'll do it." The easiest way to change this pattern is to render ineffective all "unfair" tactics. Manipulations may be overt ("If you really loved me, you'd let me…") or subtle with hidden implications ("Susie's parents are super. They let her stay out two hours later than you let me.") In either case, parents should ignore the hidden statements and respond only to what actually was said. After a while, kids will learn to speak straightforwardly and honestly if they want a response.

In addition, parents should reward a teen's attempts at fair persuasion by listening attentively and by trying to understand their son's or daughter's responses. It should not be threatening to parents for a young person to want to know "why" a certain thing is as it is, provided that he is not belligerent. To dismiss an honest inquiry with a sharp "Because I said so" tends to send the teen away thinking that it doesn't pay to be upfront and honest.

On the other hand, parents should beware that a new resolve on their part not to give in to unfair tactics may provoke the teen to use the worst of his manipulative arsenal. But maintaining a firm, loving, and fair posture should improve a teen's behavior as the new parental pattern becomes consistent and dependable. This is a hard assignment, but it will bring considerable family rewards.

David Rahn currently serves as Vice-President/Chief Ministry Officer of Youth for Christ/USA

Reprinted from Parents and Teenagers, Jay Kesler, General Editor,

Youth for Christ/USA, 1984.