Most parents think about teaching their children manners after they have been thoroughly embarrassed by their kids in public. Manners certainly are not learned overnight. We need to teach our children how to behave mannerly so that it is a way of life, and good manners come naturally. When we get down to basics, manners are learning how to show respect and consideration for others.

People feel much more comfortable if they know how they are supposed to act. It is much better to begin with a child at age three than to try to give a crash course on the night before his first date. If he knows how to act, he will not have to think about manners.

It is the little things in manners which show that we are considerate of other people. When children are old enough to understand, they should be taught the "why" as well as the "what" of manners. For instance, kids need to know why we don't talk with our mouths full and why we don't want to launch our food across the table.

Without writing Polly Polite's Book on Table Manners, let's list some of the basics that children should do naturally by the time they are nine years old.

A nationally known professional athlete was brought into town to be the keynote speaker at a banquet. As he was served, we could hear him mumbling under his breath, "Little fork for salad, big fork for meat" That was the extent of manners that he displayed during the rest of the meal. He hunched over his meal, with both forearms on the table, shoveling his food into his mouth. His lack of manners made everyone around him uncomfortable. We need to instruct our kids how to sit at the table-not hunched over their meal, but not so far away from their plates that they miss their mouths and end up with supper on their laps.

We all know napkins are put on laps for obvious reasons. Kids can have food smeared all over their faces and seem oblivious to it, so we must teach them to be aware of wiping their faces.

When children are old enough to help themselves from the bowls being passed, they also should be taught to assess their proper allotment. In other words, they should not be "hogs," but consider how many people will also need to be served from the same bowl. To be considerate is to make sure that we don't take more than our share. After everyone has been served, what is left can then be shared.

It is a rule at our house that no one can begin eating until everyone has been served everything. Otherwise someone is almost finished eating before all of the food has been passed. It is good to clue our kids that they should wait for the hostess to lift her fork and begin eating before they begin. It might not be all that important in a small family, but our children will not always be eating in that kind of situation.

One of our children is an especially noisy eater even with his mouth shut. So we try to help him learn to eat more quietly. Hungry children do not naturally eat slowly or chew thoroughly. Instead they resemble steam shovels. It might not be important at home when we are already late for a meeting that we have to hurry to, but when we are with other people we might be thoroughly embarrassed if that is our usual rate of eating and we finish twenty minutes before everyone else.

Table manners are not finished until everyone is excused and the table is cleared. At our house everyone is expected to help clear off the table. Little kids can carry utensils and their own plastic plates and cups. When at someone else's house, it is just as important to ask if they may help clear the table.

When our oldest was three, we were invited to eat at the home of a childless couple. The cauliflower/broccoli soup was delicious but not quite what our son had in mind. An understandable, but inappropriate ''yuck" prompted a new rule at our house. We are not allowed to say negative things about the food at home or away. We don't have to like it, but that is no reason to complain.

Now that we know what basics need to be taught, how are they taught? We must model before our kids how we want them to act. Children are expert imitators, especially of people whom they admire. For instance, when we are careful always to use "please" and "thank you" with our children as well as adults, they will follow suit. Kids also learn by doing, so it is good practice for children to set the table properly.

If a family has a very hectic schedule or is in a single parent situation, it would be helpful to have a family dinner once a week when a conscious effort is made to observe good manners. We often "rehearse" situations that call for having the correct manners. Sometimes our practice comes in the form of prompting. For instance, when Grandma comes to eat supper with us, we encourage the kids to ask Grandma if she would like some more of such-and-such. This helps them to be aware of the needs of others.