"Why am I still single?" thousands of women ask Dr. Phil, with looks of fear, desperation and hopelessness. Dr. Phil gets real about why they - and possibly you - are still flying solo.
Do an autopsy on your past relationships. Why didn't they work? Look at things honestly and learn from your mistakes.
Acknowledge what you own in a relationship. If you look at relationships that haven't worked, the common denominator is you! That means you own part of the problem. You create your own experience and control the choices you make. Your behavior and decisions have consequences. Take responsibility for them.
Be your authentic self. Your authentic self is who you are when you have no fear of judgment, or before the world starts pushing you around and telling you who you're supposed to be. Your fictional self is who you are when you have a social mask on to please everyone else - and it doesn't work if you're looking for a lasting relationship. Give yourself permission to be your authentic self.
Change your internal dialogue - what you're telling yourself in real time. You may be programming yourself for failure with negative thoughts. For example, if you call yourself a "freak magnet" while waiting for a blind date to show up, you're starting off with a negative internal message.
Take notice of your "tapes," which Dr. Phil compares to "elevator music," that constantly play in your head. Tapes can be even more insidious than your internal dialogue because they're so well rehearsed and ingrained. Evaluate a particular situation, rather than listening to your tapes and deciding ahead of time. For example, if you've told yourself that "all good men are taken," then you've labeled the man you're out with as "a leftover" before you've even gotten to know him! Your pre-determined beliefs, which you may not even be conscious of, can be destructive.
A common mistake of many single people is that they try to change themselves for the person they are dating. When you do that, you're not being true to who you are, and it will bite you in the rear.
If what you're doing isn't working, change it. Do something different. Don't be someone you're not, but have a broad range of who you are.
Decide what kind of person you're looking for and put yourself in a target-rich environment. If, for example, you're looking for a man who loves the outdoors, go there. And if you're not looking for a barfly, don't go to a bar to meet someone!
Only 7 percent of communication is verbal. For every thought you have, there's a physiological reaction. Become aware of the signals you are sending out. Desperation, for example, comes through in non-verbal communication.
Recognize that you don't have to be in a relationship to be whole. It is better to be happy alone than sick with someone else. The most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself.
Don't put pressure on yourself. You don't have to be married. It's not required. Stop telling yourself you have to get a ring on your finger.
Are you available? Look at your life and ask yourself if you're leaving time to meet someone. Would someone have to throw himself on the hood of your car to cross paths with you and get your attention?
Don't act desperate. Send a message that you "want to" be in a relationship - not that you've "got to." Even if you hear your biological clock, it need not tick loudly enough for every eligible man to hear it!
Relationship Autopsy
Make a deal with yourself. Before you decide that you can't be in a relationship again, do a structured "autopsy" on your previous relationships. Maybe you did something early on that contaminated those relationships and sealed their fate without even knowing.
By doing an autopsy, you take the mystery out of the train wreck. An autopsy can help you move forward with a healthy outlook - with ownership of problems that you played a role in creating, and with an awareness of what can be different. Here's how.
Identify what your problems and frustrations were with your relationship.
Write down the problems your partner had with you. Be honest with yourself.
Write down 10 key statements about the pain you still feel and the open wounds you still have. Again, honesty is essential.
You need to reconcile each of the statements you wrote down. Ask yourself: What was my role in each of these? Own what you are responsible for.
What choices did you make that led to the results you got in your last relationship?
You teach people how to treat you. Did you teach your partner to treat you badly?
What do you have to change to get over your last relationship? How do you need to heal?
What do you want to leave behind from your last relationship? Only when you acknowledge it, can you take the steps to prevent repetition.
? You need emotional closure. To get that, you need to figure out what your "minimal effective response" is - the least thing you can do to get the closure. It may be yelling and screaming, writing your thoughts down, or actually talking to your ex. If you need to take steps to feel like you've stood up for yourself, do it.
Personal Relationship Values
In relationships, just as in every other aspect of life, the spirit and attitude with which you do things is at least as important as your actual actions. Embrace and incorporate these powerful values, and you will start living with more integrity, honesty, compassion and enthusiasm. This, in turn, will breathe new life into your relationship.
Own your own relationship.
You are fully accountable for your relationship. You can never again believe you're a martyr suffering in your relationship because of an unworthy partner. Only when you stop seeing yourself as a victim will you start to see yourself as a fully competent and potent force in your relationship.
Accept the risk of vulnerability.
Do not let fear paralyze your life. Wanting, reaching out and letting yourself hope makes you vulnerable. At least by putting yourself on the line, you have the chance of getting what you want, as opposed to hurting with no chance of getting what you want. Not to venture is to lose yourself.
Accept your partner.
If your partner experiences in you the spirit of acceptance, then it is most likely that he/she will find you approachable. Two partners who are moving toward each other, rather than both trying to seek safety from pain, have a dramatically improved chance of reconciliation.
Focus on friendship.
You have to take a step back from the problems and pain of your intimate interactions, and focus on your partner's positive qualities. Turn back the clock and recall what it was that started the friendship that matured into an intimate relationship.
Promote your partner's self-esteem.
You must bring the spirit of acceptance into affirmative, interactive action. Find the courage and creativity to promote and protect your partner's self-esteem, even when you feel compelled to be critical. By using the value of self-esteem, you provide a much more nurturing atmosphere, one your partner will not want to abandon.
Aim your frustrations in the right direction.
Work at sorting out the causes of your frustration, and resist the impulsive temptation to pick at your partner. Once you start seeing that the negative things you perceive in your partner are often things you see in yourself, you will literally alter the nature of your interactions with your partner.
Be up front and forthright.
Nothing can be more frustrating than what is referred to as an incongruent communication, where an individual says one thing yet indicates something dramatically different with his or her nonverbal conduct. Strive to express your feelings in a mature and responsible way. By being honest about your emotions, you base your relationship upon integrity rather than lies and deception.
Make yourself happy instead of right.
Start evaluating the things you do in your relationship based on whether those thoughts, feelings and actions are working. For example, you don't have to prove over and over that you know what you're talking about more than your partner. Instead, choose a different emotion such as tolerance, understanding or compassion that does not escalate hostility in your relationship. By deciding to be happy rather than right, you will be receptive to your partner's attempts to de-escalate hostility and return to civil interactions.
Allow your relationship to transcend turmoil.
Rough times and arguments happen, and one way or another, they are going to impact the relationship. You must vow to no longer use threats as a lever to manipulate and control your partner. By doing so, you are setting a clear limit on the places a spirited discussion with your partner will not go.
Put motion into your emotion.
You must turn the concept of love into a proactive behavior. Don't be so consumed with negative messages that your expectations are low. You must require yourself and your relationship to truly be better.
