Sibling conflict is as old as Cain and Abel, as legendary as Cinderella and her stepsisters and can be as deadly as the daughters of King Lear. Parents should know the battles are inevitable and must prepare their kids to defuse potentially ugly situations. And there will be times when parents must come to a child's defense and say, "We are family, and we will not say anything that doesn't build up one another. We will respect each other."
Use these tips for encouraging kindness in the home:
Teach mutual respect.
Do not allow your children to insult one another. Words are extremely powerful, and snide comments can damage deeply. Experts say every negative comment needs at least five positive remarks to even out. Teach your children to be kind and to appreciate each other.
Do not play favorites.
In Genesis, we see the damage done by Jacob's favoritism of Joseph. Remember that all children are created equal, but not all children are the same. Recognize and praise each child's individual skills, strengths and accomplishments without implying that one child is somehow better.
Teach conflict-management.
Do not deny your child's feelings, but help him learn to express emotions in an appropriate way. If you see your child acting jealously, encourage him identify the emotion by saying, "I understand that you feel bad because…" or "I know you hurt because.…" Helping your children figure out the causes of their actions will help them learn how to deal with problems in the future.
Do not ignore good behavior.
To attention-starved kids, negative attention is simply attention. Notice your children playing nicely together and reward them with praise. Be sure each child receives adequate parental interest and quality time.
Show appreciation for who your child is, not what he does.
When a child feels valuable merely for his performance, he will feel the need to prove his worth. Instead, praise your child for his God-given traits such as compassion or a tender heart. By fostering their self-esteem, children can learn to respect themselves and others.
Most parents realize children imitate what they see, so look at the example you set. Do you compete with your siblings? Or do you consistently show kindness to your brothers and sisters? By checking your actions, you can be better prepared to show your children how to emerge the best of friends following the inevitability of a little sibling conflict.
Question
I love my daughters, but they seem to be engaged in a constant battle. My mother says I should intervene, but my husband thinks sibling rivalry is normal for kids their age. Should I be worried about this?
Answer
Sibling rivalry is normal and extremely common, but that doesn't mean that it has to be tolerated. If carried to extremes, it can be potentially harmful, especially if the constant bickering is characterized by anger, bitterness and mutual disrespect. Intervention may be necessary, but it's unlikely that you'll achieve anything simply by talking to your children. What's needed in a case like this is decisive action.
Look for a good opportunity to hold a family conference - a quiet evening when there's been a lull in the fighting and everyone is in a good mood. You and your husband should sit down with the kids and tell them that you're concerned about the disrespectful way they treat each other. Let them know that you've had enough of this kind of behavior and that you're determined to see some changes made. As part of this new program, make it clear that you're going to be implementing some new household rules. Explain that there will be consequences when they bicker or snipe at one another.
These consequences should be immediate, consistent and powerful. For example, if your children receive an allowance, tell them that you will be deducting a dollar a week for every violation of the new "respect policy." You could also take away favorite toys, activities or privileges for a period of time. Be sure to choose activities or privileges that really matter to your girls - phone or computer access for a pre-teen or adolescent, biking or dolls or time with friends for a younger child.
Write out your new rules and consequences in the form of a contract. Have your children sign it and post it on the refrigerator. Since it's important to emphasize positive as well as negative consequences, you might want to include an "earn it back" clause, whereby the kids can regain privileges by treating each other appropriately for a predetermined period of time. Once the plan is in place, stick to your guns and be diligent to implement the agreed-upon consequences consistently. When arguments arise, make a determined effort to avoid long discussions about "who started it." Model patience, kindness and respect in your own behavior toward your children and in your relationship with your husband.
As a footnote, it's worth bearing in mind that sibling rivalry can sometimes be a cry for attention. If that's the case, then your system of rules and consequences are unlikely to yield the desired results until you've taken steps to deal with the root cause of the fighting. Ask yourself if you and your husband are scheduling sufficient one-on-one time with each of your children. It's important to "date" your kids at least once a week. This could involve something as simple as a trip to the store, going out for hot chocolate and a bagel on a Saturday morning, or a walk around the neighborhood in the evening. As you begin to spend more individual time with your girls, you may begin to see significant changes in the way they relate to one another.
If none of these approaches work, it might be advisable to seek the help and guidance of a qualified Christian family counselor. You can get that process started by calling our Counseling Department here at Focus on the Family headquarters. You can reach us Monday through Friday between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. Mountain time at 800-A-FAMILY 800-A-FAMILY ( 800-232-6459 800-232-6459). One of our phone counselors will be happy to discuss your situation with you and provide you with a list of referrals to trained therapists in your area.
