Jay Kesler

Mom, Jason punched or pushed me.... Jason always hits me."

This seemingly trivial problem can be extremely discouraging. Someone has said that kindergarten is the place where you teach hitters not to hit and non-hitters how to hit and indeed the kindergarten and first-grade teachers spend a lot of time discriminating between the endless reports of tattletales and the accounts of serious disagreements and problems.

Virtually every father has struggled to teach his son to stand up for himself or his daughter how to hold her own with others. We don't want them to become doormats, but lest they become bullies themselves, we teach them phrases such as "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me."

This is all part of normal growing up, and for most children, our folk remedies are effective. But increasingly in our culture, we run into serious bullies - vicious children who have inadequate parental supervision and who can actually threaten our children's well-being. These troubled kids cannot be handled with the responses we usually advocate.

In fact, the problem posed by bullies goes beyond the playground and into society at large. Violence is in our streets and homes as well as our schools, and we cannot always handle it by politely turning the other cheek. We have to call in additional help in order to preserve our freedom and safety.

We live in a nation of laws, and we elect and appoint people to protect us within the scope of those laws. Even though our movies and television shows are filled with the vigilante theme-a law is broken and a person becomes judge, jury, and executioner all in one-we do not want our children to act this way.

We do not want a boy to meet every disagreement with a fist fight, just as we do not want every traffic-light argument to be settled by people jumping out of their cars and slugging it out on the street. To teach boys to do this when they are little is to prepare them to do it when they grow up, and it can only lead to society's becoming increasingly vicious and cruel. In the terms of our social contract, we elect and appoint people to settle disputes, and by referring injustices to them, we prevent bloodshed, feuds, and even wars.

So when we hear reports that our child is being terrorized, it is unwise to advise him to fight back. Instead, he should be encouraged to speak to his authority figure without feeling guilty of tattling. This is equivalent to calling the police or going to court rather than shooting people who disagree with you.

Of course, we need to help our children distinguish between little things and important ones. There is no need for them to involve the teacher or the playground supervisor for small offenses-adults don't ask the police to arrest drivers who fail to signal before turning. But for large offenses, large remedies are necessary-and they are available to our children and teenagers, if they will make use of them. Ultimately, if our society is going to survive, we must learn to live within the law.

If our children's or teenager's authority figures do not respond, we parents need to visit with these people and explain to them how the social contract works. This takes time, and it is not the most popular thing to do, but it is amazingly effective. Many times the authority figure is more than willing to assert his rightful authority and keep order, as long as he knows the parents are behind him.

A teacher who does not understand or accept this responsibility needs to be taught to do so. This is also true of principals, coaches, and all the people who work with our children. As parents, we must not allow our children to live in a jungle where survival of the fittest is the rule of life. It is unnecessary, foolish, and regressive. This does not mean we should interfere in every little quarrel, but we need to carefully protect the progress civilization has made thus far.

By teaching our children to distinguish between major and minor offenses, and by encouraging them to get outside help in dealing with the big ones, we are helping them solve their immediate problem-the playground or school bully-and preparing them to live peacefully in society when they become adults.