Jay Kesler

QUESTION: Is it scriptural for a woman to be the breadwinner while the husband stays home with the children? Could this perhaps be the "field" referred to in Proverbs 31:16? Two years ago I postponed entering medical school in order to raise our first child, and now after the birth of our second I find myself considering thepossibility of reapplying to medical school. I love mothering but I can see that God could make good use of me in the medical field. We have agreed that we don't want our children raised outside the home, so during this training period my husband would postpone his teaching career to stay in the home while the children are young. This is a big decision which could mean serious changes in our careers and in our roles as parents.

I often get up in the morning and ask my wife how she is doing on that verse in Proverbs. Did she sell any land and make any profit before I got out of bed, because I think that is an excellent idea!

Actually, the Bible gives many illustrations of strong, capable women in influential positions. Jesus and His disciples were supported by wealthy women. Lydia was a business woman. Priscilla shared a team ministry with her husband, Aquilla. Deborah was the leader of all Israel in the time of the Judges. To think that the Bible-time woman was endlessly oppressed by her husband and society is to simply misunderstand the culture.

Thus in Scripture I don't see any prohibition to the woman being the chief breadwinner. But by the same token, I believe this should be a mutual decision made by two very mature people. The woman has to examine her real reasons for going to work. You say God could use you in the medical field. Frankly, I think the idea of the work force out there just panting for new people is a bit of a myth. There are more people now in most fields than are actually needed. The big question is how to find enough activity, enough jobs for all of them. Now I'm sure in your particular profession of medicine, good women doctors can be greatly used of the Lord. But more often when the woman is saying is, "Society has so used me, so worked on my psyche that I don't have any self-worth unless I am out doing something in the professions. Homemaking, being a mother, has no value whatsoever. That is something you do out of your hip pocket. I will only have value if I work in the real world."

Recognize that self-worth is imputed by God; it doesn't come by performance. So if your chief motivation for working is to fulfill your self-worth, you'd better reexamine your priorities because you won't find what you're looking for. But if your motivation is rooted in a higher calling, this could be a very fine opportunity for both you and your husband. One further aspect to consider is that your husband will have to face the emasculating position of being caught with his apron on during the daytime by his friends. Now I know that the textbooks say not to worry about this happening. But in fact, I can point to many couples where the man has begun to act very strangely because he feels that somehow he has been discounted. Our society also implants subtle messages within us that say, "A man should support his family."

The ingredients to a proper decision are maturity, forethought, prayer, and mutual consent. I think for a temporary period, while you finish your career training, this arrangement can work. I know the Lord will help you if you bring Him into the middle of it.

I think the long-range answer lies in taking a look at your priorities. We can't keep adding to our responsibilities without taking anything away. We start marriage without children and have full lives. Then we add children and try to stretch everything. We stretch and stretch until eventually we reach a breaking point. And that is where you seem to be.

Parents with young children need to back off and say, "What things have to be dropped during this period of time so that we can have a quality family life?" This may mean giving up some activities that are important to you, including friendships with other couples who don't have children and who run here and there asking you to join them. It's very important that you give top priority to your family. When you do this, much of the tension is relieved because you have taken a stand.

Now, at the risk of being misunderstood, let me say that the church can also be a problem. The church exists for people; people don't exist for the church. Often we forget that. The church is there to help us with our Christian lives, but our Christian lives don't really take place inside the church. There are churches and people who get the idea that this constant activity within the church is God's will. However, it is probably one of the least productive things that we do for God. When we are at church, we basically get "fueled up," prepared to go out and live the Christian life. If we're not careful, too much church activity (I'm not talking about too much God or too much Christ or too much commitment to the Lord) can rob us of family time.

We've got to make choices regarding our involvements and busyness. Then having made those choices, we've got to make more choices - like turning off the TV and doing things together that require communication. Make meals sacred times of meaningful conversation. Take time before going to bed to read to the children and talk with them. If you consistently do these kinds of things, your family (rather than outside involvements) will become central to you. But you've got to start by making some priority choices. And I believe that because God has given you children, they should be your priority.