There are certain situations and circumstances that naturally promote more quarrels than others. In our house we know that suppertime is the most quarrel-prone time of our day. Also, any time the daily family routine is upset creates an environment that is quarrel-prone, even if this change in routine is positive (e.g., a vacation or holiday). A wise parent is aware of the pattern, can calm the tensions that inevitably arise, and make quarreling as tolerable and constructive as possible.

Quarreling among children comes in two degrees: the insignificant and the serious. A quick analysis of what is brewing will show parents how to bring about a fast resolution. For the less-than-fluent toddler, emotional flare-ups are the result of misunderstanding or the inability to communicate. Teaching our children to say, "Please," is a giant step toward positive communication and away from fussing.

When older kids have insignificant quarrels it is often better to let them work out these squabbles themselves. This approach cuts down on the tattletale syndrome and is a valuable learning situation. Kids need to learn how to take responsibility for their own disagreements. A simple, "You'll have to work it out for yourselves" and a calm closing of the door often throws cold water on a formerly heated struggle.

Some circumstances qualify as serious quarrels. These out-of-hand incidents might result in bodily harm and call for direct intervention.

It is hard not to jump to conclusions, but things are not always as they seem. Now is the teachable moment to encourage the quarreling skills that can be beneficial to your child for the rest of his life. If emotions are running too high, a period of separation and cool-down is the first step. Not much can be accomplished when a child is so upset that he cannot get the words out. When everyone is emotionally controlled, each should tell his side of the story. The stories must be told without name-calling or verbal cut-downs. Using exaggerations or assuming the other person's motives is not allowed. In other words, the story must be told in first person. This is the chance to express legitimate feelings. A calm, benevolent mediator can then hand down the verdict.

What kind of verdict? Just as there are two sides to every story, there are usually two people at fault in a quarrel. Most often it boils down to selfishness. This is the opportune time to give the "there are more people in this family than just you" speech. Living together enjoyably requires a lot of give and take on everyone's part. It is a lesson best begun at an early age. An "I am sorry" and a hug or smile go a long way toward mending ruffled emotions and relationships. What if one child doesn't feel sorry? An apology does not have to come from the emotion of being sorry. The appropriate action needs to be taken, and usually the feeling will come later.

If quarreling is inevitable, can we do anything to prevent it? When our first son was in kindergarten, he learned Bible verses for each letter of the alphabet. The "H" verse was: "How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity!" (Ps. 133:1) That came in very handy as quarrels began to erupt. A quick, "Do you remember our 'H' verse?" brought a sly smile and a cooling of heated emotions.

But probably the best preventative medicine comes before quarrels even begin. Spend time telling each of the kids how much the other siblings love them and point out positive acts among siblings. That may sound contrived, but it works beautifully.