QUESTION: My wife and I both work and are very involved with our local church, but we feel guilty about the way we have to limit our family activities. How can we make the most effective use of our time together as a family?
I think the long-range answer lies in taking a look at your priorities. We can't keep adding to our responsibilities without taking anything away. We start marriage without children and have full lives. Then we add children and try to stretch everything. We stretch and stretch until eventually we reach a breaking point. And that is where you seem to be.
Parents with young children need to back off and say, "What things have to be dropped during this period of time so that we can have a quality family life?" This may mean giving up some activities that are important to you, including friendships with other couples who don't have children and who run here and there asking you to join them. It's very important that you give top priority to your family. When you do this, much of the tension is relieved because you have taken a stand.
Now, at the risk of being misunderstood, let me say that the church can also be a problem. The church exists for people; people don't exist for the church. Often we forget that. The church is there to help us with our Christian lives, but our Christian lives don't really take place inside the church. There are churches and people who get the idea that this constant activity within the church is God's will. However, it is probably one of the least productive things that we do for God. When we are at church, we basically get "fueled up," prepared to go out and live the Christian life. If we're not careful, too much church activity (I'm not talking about too much God or too much Christ or too much commitment to the Lord) can rob us of family time.
We've got to make choices regarding our involvements and busyness. Then having made those choices, we've got to make more choices - like turning off the TV and doing things together that require communication. Make meals sacred times of meaningful conversation. Take time before going to bed to read to the children and talk with them. If you consistently do these kinds of things, your family (rather than outside involvements) will become central to you. But you've got to start by making some priority choices. And I believe that because God has given you children, they should be your priority.
Children love to communicate. Rather than just reading to them at night, question them about their day. Ask them where and when they may have felt the presence of God. Did he do anything that day in their life that they were sure of was him being right there. Did they have any problem during the day with anyone or anything that you could pray for together? Children need one on one time but they also receive great value from the family being together. If there is more than one child, they can benefit from what happens to their brother or sister that day and make some suggestions as well for each other.
Then, Mom and/or Dad can share what happened to them that day that involved God or shows them being human too. The whole family can form a circle and you can pray for each other. When they see Mom and Dad facing adversity too and Going to God about it and being honest, they will build confidence in going to God because Mom and Dad are doing that too as role models.
Also, daily they need hugs and they need to be held. This encourages them of your love when you hold or touch them in an affirmative way. Remember never hit them with the same hand you love them with. I encourage you to try time out rather than spanking them when and where appropriate. Even in public, you can have them stand in a corner or spot and think about the way they behaved as long as you are there supervising them.
Ask them when misbehaving if they want time out. In a public place, there is some embarrassment they will suffer if they have to stand in a spot or corner. Sometimes that is enough to remind them of that while misbehaving. Always after reprimanding them, give them a hug and tell them how much better you believe they are capable of. That kind of hugging and fond touching and positive word reinforcement passes on to them the love of God just like he continues to give you after one of us have made a bad choice. Please reinforce them. Those little loving and learning experiences can be as valuable as family fun or quality time.
When traveling in the car together, that too can become quality time. Play with them word games and things of that sort where they may have to look outside the car for something or think about. Do something that you participate in rather than expecting them to entertain themselves while you talk with your spouse. This way the whole family can have fun together and laugh even in the car. Step outside the box of thought to create some things to do. If you go to a Wednesday night dinner at the church, sit with them and play some games with them there. Instead of them running around the room with their friends, that is another place where as a family you can interact. Their friends can sit with you possibly and join in on the fun.
Remember, other families are watching you too and if you do the right thing, they may follow your lead. You are not the only family that has time problems and they will appreciate seeing how you handle things. Don't forget, at the library there are lots of good books that will guide you to some fun activities that will help you multi task and stretch your quality fun time. I created a word game that is a lot of fun. (well, God created; gave me the idea)
Start a word game by going in turn in a circle or some repetitive order. Allow them to speak any sentence. The next person in order has to say a word that associates with the last word in the beginning sentence. (ie I'm going to the pool -Next person might say pool room or pool table or bathing suit a word or thought of some association) Give that person a limited time to think of an associating word or two. If they can not come up with something, they are eleminated and the circle grows smaller until there is a winner. You may not use the same answers as have already been used in that particular game or you are out. Just like on T.V. on family feud when they give a wrong answer the noise is made with the "X" that eliminates that answer you can make that noise when they fail to come up with a right answer. It is a lot of fun and builds togetherness. Just call it the word game.
You could also create a Spelling Bee of your own. All you need to do is have a dictionary nearby. These opportunities can also be learning experiences for all of you. Have them think up the longest word they know and the winner has the longest word with the most letters, or a new word no one has ever heard of. You will find in their free time they will pick up the dictionary and search for a winning word or listen to TV more closely to learn a new word while waiting for you to play that game. It is great to motivate them to do this and everyone will benefit from the learning experience.
You don't always have to reward children with things that cost money, but once in a while a very inexpensive article that is a surprise can become a motivator. Some times they can be rewarded with funny money that can be purchased and when they collect enough of that they can pick something out of a catalog or magazine that won't break or tear up your budget. Use wisdom with this.
The last 9 paragraphs have been added to this article by Rev Vic Logan
