Sharon: You might be wondering why I called this meeting. I have something WONDERFUL to let you girls in on.
No one has to tell you how difficult it has been to get along with the last several pastor's wives we've had. Until now I thought we were doomed. Then the other day while surfing the web I found this great site:
They let you select qualities for the perfect pastor's wife and then locate the person that matches your choices. They give you all the contact information for where they are currently serving so you can email them an application. They even set up a chat room so you can interview them and eventually get them to come to your church.
Robin: That sounds great, but what if the perfect pastor's wife…I mean the one we pick, isn't married to the perfect pastor?
Sharon: Oh they've already thought of that. There's also a site for finding the perfect pastor and a dating site that helps them meet and program their ministry lives out together. Isn't that just wonderful? It really beats the old fashioned method of falling in love and then ending up incompatible for ministry.
Sheryl: Well I can definitely see some advantages. For one thing, we could eliminate right off the bat all the women who never wanted to be a pastor's wife to begin with.
Marti: Hmmm. If you could really do that, would we have any candidates left to actually select from? (Pause for effect.)
Robin: Well, I think we could do a better job than anyone else in picking out a match for our church. Who knows the needs of our church better than we do? (All nod and smile presumptuously.)
Sharon: Shall we let our fingers do the walking ladies? (All get excited and peer over lap top screen.) Now we have to begin by picking a password so all our information will be kept confidential. How about PERFECT because that's what we're looking for. (All agree.)
OK, the first step is to select physical attributes: Do we want a red head?
Marti: No, we don't want someone with a temper.
Sharon: A blonde?
Robin: We don't need temptation running around either.
Sharon: Brunette?
Marti: Are there any other choices?
Sharon: Only gray.
All: PERFECT!
Sharon: OK, let's go on to the next category. This one is selecting the perfect age.
Sheryl: What are the choices?
Sharon: 20-30
Marti: Too young. She'll be trying to change everything with foolish ideas that will never work. We've had plenty of that kind already. (Agreement.)
Sharon: How about 60-70?
Sheryl: Too old. She won't have up to date ideas and she'll be set in her ways. (All nod.)
Sharon: Well that only leaves 40-50. It seems like it's a pretty small window of time where they're really useful.
Others: Yeah.
Sharon: Now we need to select whether she'll be working or staying at home.
Robin: I prefer a stay at home pastor's wife myself. Then they're around for prayer (sarcastically) during the day. And if someone is ill and needs a meal, why they can just whip it up. They have plenty of time to help out with various projects that might come up at the church.
Marti: I disagree. I think one with a steady, good paying job would be better for us right now. As the church treasurer I hate to say it, but giving has decreased. Give me a pastor's wife with a 6 figure income and a need to please and I think we'll all be sittin' pretty. After all, they have to be a good example to the flock. Right? (witch smile.)
Sheryl: All right, you've got a point there.
Sharon: Now we need to choose character qualities. We have to pick her level of mercy on a scale of 1 to 10. Ten represents the mercy of Mother Teresa. A one would be that of Arnold Schwartneggar. There are even some streaming video samples to help us make our choices.
Here's a ten:
Jean: (Do a Jan Crouch. Jean used a lace collar and a big hat for costume.) My heart is just broken for the homeless person I saw out in the parking lot this morning. He needs a home. He needs a good meal. Let's take an offering and put him through college. Let's take him into our homes. Actually, you have more bedrooms. (Points at Marti) You could take him in and nurture his soul. Let's turn him into a decent, hardworking citizen. We can do it.
Marti: Forget that model. She makes me feel uncomfortable. Try one with less mercy.
Sharon: Here's a one.
Jean: (Spittin' words with an angry tone. Jean put on a cowboy hat, bandanna and used her fingers like pistols at the end to make her point) I don't do support groups. I feel if that if people end up with alcohol and drug problems it's their own fault. They need to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps and GET OVER IT. (Blows on both guns as if they'd been used to shoot.)
Robin: I'm just guessing, but I don't think that one would last very long around our 12 step program. We need someone who will have compassion on those who are hurting and at the same time… a similar level of compassion for those who don't give a rip about others.
Sharon: So you think maybe a five? (All agree.) Next we need to select her integrity using the same scale. Let's see what a one looks like.
Jean: (We glued cards and dice on a red visor. We also had a red cummerbund and neck tie, but you don't have to have them. ) For the next missions fund-raiser might I suggest setting up a Keno parlor in the narthex? I've heard it's been very effective wherever it's been used and I've even thought of a catchy slogan: "GAMBLING for the GOSPEL"
Sheryl: NEXT.
Sharon: (Whenever costume changes took longer than dialogue allowed I had computer problems and once even had to pretend to "restart".) Here's a ten.
Jean: (English accent like the lady on WEAKEST LINK. Jean wore a purple round hat and a purple tie that looked like a man's tie.) I was informed that someone (she tapped Robin on the head with the tape and we all gave her looks of admonition.) made an illegal copy of a tape in preparation for next Sunday's special music. Now, some people could look the other way over that sort of thing. But not I. If we want to wear the white linen described in RRRRRRRRevelation, then we must keep our RRRRRRRRobes white. I will dispose of the tape
(pulls out tape emphatically) and I suggest we RRRRRRemove the tarnished soul who made it from the RRRRRRRRole.
Robin: ABORT ABORT. (Smacks the keyboard several times.) She's scaring me. In fact, some of our former pastor's wives are looking real good right now.
Sharon: This kind of work is not for the feeble hearted. That is for sure. But let's press on ladies, for the good of the whole. I take it we'd like a seven in integrity?
Marti: Better make it a 5 and hope she doesn't want to audit the books. (Others look surprised. She gives a weak, admitting look.)
Sharon: That brings us to spiritual fervor. Here's a one.
Jean: (Jean wore a flowing scarf and beads.) I'm feeling good. And I want you to feel good two. We're all good. And someday we'll all be in Heaven. There we'll be… the Muslims, the Catholics and the Southern Baptists all gathered around and singing a NEW WAVE song of meditation.
Sheryl: Yikes.
Sharon: OK. Here's a ten.
Jean: (southern accent. Jean wore a tee-shirt that said "got Jesus?" and a baseball cap) I'm not going to sleep. I'm not going to eat until this Valley has been won. And you're not going to eat or sleep either. (Ladies are shaking their heads in bewilderment. Sharon puts down candy bar she's been eating.) We're going to fast. If it takes FOREVER I don't care. We are going to intercede for the lost. We're going to hit the streets until there's not one person who has not heard the good news. Do you understand?
All: YES SIR.
Sharon: Oops, I hit delete by accident. ( Continues eating candy bar.) Sorry, ladies. Would you like to try a five instead?
Sheryl: Yeah, I guess. Isn't it almost lunch time?
Sharon: One more quality to go: generosity. Here's a one.
Jean: (Sinister voice and aiming conversation at Sheryl. Jean held a wooden spoon and a pocket calendar.) I would have brought cookies to the bake sale today, but I remembered that I already took MY turn in the fall of '82. As my records indicate YOU have not baked cookies for three years. Now I could have baked them. I had the time. I had the ingredients. I had the desire. I had them all. But it was MY time and they were MY ingredients, so I decided that wouldn't be very fair, would it.
Sheryl: How about a ten? I hate baking cookies.
Jean: (Jean wore a red coat and hat, held gold card and dollars.) Ready for lunch ladies? I'm treating! (Ladies look happy and hopeful.) In fact, let's take the entire women's guild to lunch.
How's Claim Jumper?
Marti: Cute purse.
Jean: It's yours. (Gave to Marti.)
Marti: Really?
Jean: Take the shoes too. They match. (Thrusts them into her lap.)
Marti: This one sounds the best so far.
Jean: Of course I may need to talk to the Finance Committee about up-ing my hubby's salary so that I can be FREE to ministry in my own special way.
Marti: Forget it Toots. (Jean takes back shoes and purse and huffs off.)
Sharon: (Each line must have think time after it to allow the message to really sink in.) This is harder than I thought it would be.
All we want is a 40 year old, gray headed woman who is very generous on a limited salary,
kind to everyone except those might take advantage of us, has the best of moral standards and the wisdom to overlook our lack of them. How hard can it be, really, to find someone like that?
We want someone who works hard and gives a lot and lets the rest sit back and take it easy.
We want a woman who wants to win the world but who doesn't brow beat the rest of us into doing it with her. Am I asking too much?
Robin: Hey, here's the default mode. If you are having difficulty with all the possibilities you can just select DEFAULT and the perfect pastor's wife will be selected for you. Let's do it, OK? (Others agree and she makes the selection.)
Sharon: Here she is. Her name is Sue Ellen. She's 43, slightly graying (but covers it monthly with a mousy brown.) She is a lawyer who makes 100,000 a year and a generous tither (all cheer.), but helps out weekly at a soup kitchen nearby. She works from her home because she places a high priority on cooking for her family and likes to be available for PRAYER. Ladies, should we send her an email to see if she'd like to meet us in the CHAT ROOM?
All: Oh yes.
(Jean comes out dressed naturally and with a friendly "hello".)
Sharon: We're glad to finally meet you. We knew you existed out there somewhere. May we say that we would be so proud to have you as our next Pastor's Wife?
Jean: (Sweet southern voice). Well, I'm happy to meet yawl too, but unfortunately I've just been hired. The church down the street from you called me not more than 10 minutes ago and made me an offer I can't refuse. They found me on www.perfectpastorswives.com and I found them at www.perfectchurch.com. After all, their ladies said they just wanted someone who loved the Lord and was willing to be shaped by the Master's Hands. I thought that was such a good answer I knew I'd be happy there. Good luck finding whatever it was you were looking' for.
Sheryl: That's easy for her to say.
Lights Out.
