How many parents of teenagers have heard the exclamation, "Stay out of my room!" Many teenagers crave privacy, but they often give little thought to the privacy of others. We have always tried to have an open-door policy with our two teenagers, and we are grateful for the openness they have shown in discussing their concerns. But sometimes we are literally bombarded with a plethora of questions, comments, and just plain trivia as we are relaxing with a book or a newspaper just before bedtime. The truth is, parents need privacy too!
For many parents, children demand so much attention that there is no time to develop a relationship with one's spouse. This often happens in situations where the mother develops the stronger relationship with the children because the father has such a heavy work schedule. Or even when both parents work, the children may dominate the parents' entire evening so that they have no time alone or with each other.
There is only one thing more important than our children, and that is our relationship to each other-our marriage relationship. Our children will leave home, but we plan to remain together long after that.
We have found that we need personal time each day alone and with the Lord as well as with each other. We need time for communication so we can understand the other's goals and aspirations. We need planning time for family activities as well as determining guidelines for the children. This creates a greater respect between us in the crunch of on-the-spot decision-making and even discipline of our teenagers. Also, getting away from our children has helped us be more objective about how they are doing in light of feedback given by those who care for them.
Parenting is not easy and demands much giving. Thus, we need time away from our children to "take in" and replenish ourselves physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It all began when Deanna and Jeff were very young.
Art would come home from the office, eat with the family, play with the children a short time, and then put them to bed. They were in bed by 6:30 or 7:00 p.m. every night. We had the entire evening to ourselves. We could talk and share together; Art could study for seminary; and Louis could pursue her professional sewing duties. Or we could hire a babysitter to come in shortly before the kids' bedtime so that we might attend a church or Youth for Christ (our ministry) function or enjoy our weekly date night.
We have observed so many parents whose children literally control them. They can't seem to get anything done as long as their children are awake. We have visited in homes where young children are always the center of attention because they are allowed to stay up as late as the adults.
Training small children to accept babysitters is not easy, but firmness and persistency is the key. Mothers who breastfeed their babies should occasionally bottle feed them so that they can be left with sitters for a longer period of time. A nonworking mother should plan her day around her preschooler's naps and playtimes so she can get things done.
Don't just take the children to the grandparents' home for babysitting, but try to vary the sitters from time to time so that the children get used to responding to different caring people in their lives. Because Deanna and Jeff learned early discipline, we found success in taking them with us to the home of friends whom we were visiting. At their appropriate bedtime we put them to bed in their sleeping bags, on the floor of our friends' bedroom until we were ready to go home.
Now that our children are teenagers, they often stay up as late as or later than we do. They, of course, have their own interests, homework, music lessons, and household chores to keep them busy, but they still find time to interact with us. However, we still have to plan for times of communication and times of privacy. Admittedly, this is sometimes more difficult now that Lois is teaching full-time.
Because we have encouraged it from their first day in kindergarten, Deanna, seventeen, and Jeff, fourteen, want to talk about their day when they arrive home. Earlier, Lois would set aside ten to fifteen minutes immediately after school to talk, but now sports and music activities often keep them at school until the dinner hour. Now dinner hour is a sacred time of family communication. We often have to bite our lips to wait until the kids are finished before we share our day.
Sometimes we call a family conference, or one of us will take Deanna or Jeff to lunch for other times of communication. Privacy is obtained now through walks around the block, discussions while driving, a night out (with no need for a babysitter!) or just plain locking the bedroom door. We have literally counted twelve trips into our bedroom by Deanna some nights during a twenty-minute period "to tell you something else." We are pleased that she wants to talk, but have had to ask her not to bother us any more on a given night.
We hope that it need not be said that parents should try to have a separate bedroom from the children. Sex in front of them, even at the youngest of ages, is quite inappropriate. As they grow older, the lock on the bedroom door becomes more valuable. We have discussed sex, even our own times of sexual enjoyment with our children, and this helps them understand this important aspect of our lives. They seem to know when those nights arrive, for then it's not at all difficult to get them to clear our bedroom. They likewise would agree that "parents need privacy too!"
