After 13 years of marriage, my wife and I love each other dearly. We have two children, and as part of teaching the kids how to be responsible about keeping the house tidy, we are coming to realize that our own habits are appalling. I take responsibility for my own failings, and freely admit that I need a kick in the butt now and again to correct occasional sloppiness around the house. I believe, however, that my wife has never learned some basics of how to take care of her living environment.

She has never lived on her own, having moved in with me from her parents' home. This has left her with a lack of understanding of some basics. When I was living on my own, I didn't have the neatest home in the world, but it wasn't a pigsty either.

No one is perfect. I am not interested in a ''who's right and who's wrong'' argument. I just want to find a way to a tidier house. As it stands, our kids don't have play dates because we are too ashamed to allow anyone into our house. Friends invite us to lunch or dinner and we never reciprocate.

In the beginning I tried ignoring the problem and quietly and calmly cleaned up after her. That just led to me resenting her behavior, and it certainly didn't do anything to change her behavior.

After that, I tried gentle and friendly (really!) reminders. That led to defensiveness and what I perceived as scoring points. (Me: ''Can you put your mail away now please?'' Her: ''You left the bath mat on the floor again.'') In some ways, I feel that I have three kids.

I am by no means a neat freak, and my own lack of discipline makes it hard for me to feel I can call her on her faults. (Naturally enough, she is quick to point that out.) What, other than renting a drill sergeant, can I do to help her break decades of bad habits and help us get this place ship shape?

I feel that this problem really needs a hands-on solution. She doesn't even realize that she is making a mess. What she needs is for someone to follow her around and help her understand her habits so she can address them.

Has anyone faced this sort of problem before? Role stereotypes tell me that there are many frustrated wives with a slob for a husband. We've reversed the roles, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating. What can I do?

Here are some ideas of ways to help make your house less overwhelming to keep clean and clutter-free

1) rent a storage unit (Door-2-Door in Oakland is a good one) to put all the stuff that you don't need in your house on a daily basis This will free up some space (and head space too).

2) plan to invite friends over twice a month. this will probably motivate you both to make your home company-clean. This has worked wonders for us.

3) if you can swing it financially, hire a housecleaner once a month to do the hard-core cleaning.

4) after freeing up some space, go to IKEA and get some organization items that will provide a particular place for things.

3) for $12 at Barnes & Noble you can buy the most amazing easy- read book on freeing your life of clutter Clearing the Clutter for Good Feng Shui by Mary Lambert.

angela

I am fastidious (at least about my house)and my husband is a very happy slob. When we became married, we agreed that my husband could always have one part of our home to call his own, and that I would never say anything about that area. We also agreed that the path to a harmonious relationship was to always have a housecleaner. I know, I know -- that's too expensive. When my mother pointed that out, I answered that if the housecleaner came twice a month and only cleaned the main rooms, my housecleaner cost less per day than my mother's (ugh) cigarettes. It's also a lot cheaper than marriage counseling. We gave up lattes to pay for the housecleaner. In the end, it's taken all the pressure off that whole aspect of our lives. So let's say you have a housecleaner clean only the livingroom, kitchen, and bathroom. Then, when people come over, the main rooms are presentable. How family members manage their own bedrooms is their business. Of course, this leaves you with the dilemma of the bedroom you presumably share with your wife, but perhaps with other areas of the house in some order, you have less to negotiate about--and maybe, like my husband, she'll grow to enjoy a tidier house once she's had one for a while.

--Neatnik Happily Married to a Major Slob

I feel for you and know how you're feeling. *Please* check out Flylady.net. Flylady's (aka Marla's) system has helped me start to regain control of my clutter, throw things away, and create a more peaceful home for my whole family.

Her mantra is ''You are not behind! I don't want you to try to catch up; I just want you to jump in where we are. O.K.?'' She feels that many people who have issues with home tidyness are actually perfectionists (a character trait she considers a flaw) who become overwhelmed by the task at hand, because they ''can't do it right,'' and therefore never start.

Another one of her gems is ''housework done incorrectly still blesses your family,'' meaning of course, it's better to do something than nothing and it's time to stop thinking of housework as drudgery and obligation and scorekeeping, but instead as an expression of your love and respect for yourself and your family. Members of flylady write in with testimonials that you'll get via email along with her reminders to do your laundry, start your morning (afternoon, evening) routine, clean out your car, etc.

Reading your post I see that you feel your wife has never learned to clean. Flylady doesn't teach you how to clean, per se, she thinks you should just use what you have handy and get going, stop blaming the fact that if only you had the ''perfect'' cleanser or ''right'' cleaning technique you'd have a clean house. And when you mention you never have anyone over...flylady has termed an acronym for that CHAOS (can't have anyone over syndrome).

I love her and believe this woman has found her true calling in life. Check it out yourself first and then share it with your wife, if you think she'd be receptive. But do it for yourself and as many people have experienced, the spouse (admittedly usually the more sloppy husband) comes around and participates.

One caveat at the beginning the emails are overwhelming. Lots of them! Don't try to do them all at once. Read your welcome letter and just start with those things. As those become habits, slowly start adding other emails to your routines. But don't burn out by trying to do too much too soon. Babysteps!

Please feel free to contact me if you want more info!

Christina