My son. My Beautiful boy. I am so heart broken right now I can hardly breath. Last night, we had to kick out my son.

After years of troubling behavior, in the spring, I discovered my 17 year old son was far more involved in drugs and other addictions than I ever imagined. The discovery led me to sending him away to upstate NY for a six week rehabilitation program. Three weeks in, I received a call at 10:30pm on a Sunday night. I was told to come pick him up as he was being kicked out. They meant NOW. So I drove the 4+ hours to get him immediately. Knowing that he needed greater help than I could give him, I discovered a highly recommended and reputable wilderness program in Utah and promptly enrolled him in the 12 week program. It was so heart wrenching for me, I had his step mom (my wife) fly him out to do the drop off.

As he progressed through program, we received weekly updates from the staff and therapist along with bi-weekly telephone conversations with our son. In the beginning, he appeared to progressing like all the other kids, however toward the end of the program, it was becoming apparent that he was learning, but really just did what he had to do to pass his weeks and move on. At the end of the program, a home contract was drawn up by him. I would say it was more of a life plan. Along with that come some very hard and fast rules of the house he was returning to. Some of which are offenses which will get him removed from the house. Such as No stealing; No Drugs or Alcohol; No Porn; No cigarette smoking, etc.

In his last week of the program, he turned 18 years old. In our last weekly call with him, (By The Way he did not know at this point that he was days away from going home) he says he did not pass his week because he stole a rock from a person that he wanted to use for trapping animals. Now on the surface it seems silly, however, after all that he was taught about integrity etc over the past 12 weeks, THIS WAS A MAJOR SET BACK and threw me for a loop fearful of his return home.

When I picked him up in Utah, I was amazed at how strong he had gotten and how bright and cheery his beautiful face looked after cleaning out his system of drugs and living a healthy lifestyle for 12 weeks. After a very tearful ceremony which included students graduation from the program and parents looking to bring the kids back into their families, we headed home to New Hampshire. His mother and I have been divorced nearly 8 years and I have shared custody of him and my 15 year old daughter. My ex is remarried as am I. I married a women with 4 girls and my ex married a man with one boy. So needless to say, these families have a lot of moving pieces and are very difficult to navigate. Our plan as outlined with him and his program therapist was that all privileges needed to be earned back including care use, cell phone and frankly any personal freedom since he was going to be living under our roof. However he was to still be treated with dignity and respect.

So to cut the chase, we discovered he returned to smoking cigarettes. In order to no longer enable him, we needed to stick by the rules we agreed to and he was asked to leave the house. A friends mother allowed him to stay at her house last night. I am now worried sick about where he will go from there. Will he be safe? Will he resort to drugs again? My wife says I need to have faith that he CAN do it and pick himself up but all I can think of are the fatalistic thoughts of him returning to his old ways and relying on the wrong friends he so admired prior to getting clean.

We just cannot allow him to have the same old "I can do whatever I want" attitude and we need to provide a safe environment for all of the other children in the house. But what makes this even more difficult for me is that my son is not a punk. If you were to see him, he comes off very respectful to people and deep down, he is a good kid. We truly believe that he doesn't even know what he does the things he does. Dear God my heart aches.

I could go on for days but the thought of him being out there with no place to go is killing me. What have I done? Please pray for him.

Re: My heart is breaking-We just kicked my 18 yo son out of the house

I have now been struggling with the same issues for the past 3+ years since our middle daughter returned from Turn-about-Ranch in Utah. We put up with as much as we can, then she's out...each time my heart breaks for her, eventually she contacts us and we begin to rebuild a friendship--she usually stays with friends who will let her 'crash' for a while. How to know when to help verses when you are enabling is VERY difficult. My daughter is turning 21 in a few weeks, and once again she's "off the grid". When we found out she'd gotten back together with her previously abusive boyfriend (long story involving confirmed abuse and restraining orders,,,) I once again told her I could no longer enable her self-harming lifestyle (which once again included drugs as well).

It still breaks my heart each day. At night I lay awake and wonder--is she alive? Is she OK? The truth is that now, as when she was only 18, she has to "choose life". She is the only one who can choose to change her life--she knows what is right and best (as evidenced by lying to us about whether or not she was back with him after having gone through so much to be rid of him, and the drugs...)--but I cannot choose it for her.

I have told her that if her life is at stake, she can always call me. And we can talk anytime she'd like--but I will no longer give her money, nor 'pay her' for doing jobs around the house--as long as she will not act in ways that are healthy, I cannot enable her. It continues to be difficult. As much as I lover her, I've had to give her back (completely) into the Lord's hands. I know that God loves each of our children even more than we--and He has a plan that is good for their lives--but until they feel enough pain and discomfort from the choices they are making, the programs leaders say they will not turn to God for help...Maybe she has to be more desperate before she turns to the ONE she knows is her savior. I pray it is so, and I wish you well too for your child.

Not sure this is any help to you, because I don't have any answers--but just to say, you are not alone in this dilemma. We as parents MUST do what we believe is Best for the child--and that may mean kicking them out and not being their friend while they are rebelling and putting themselves in harms way.

One thing we did try and that worked for a while, was to negotiate a new contract, that included not smoking or having tobacco on our property--that allowed her to spend one more year in college before she decided that she was unwilling to live under our rules again. I will be praying for you and for your son.

Re: My heart is breaking-We just kicked my 18 year old son out of the house

I knew my husband and I were not alone. We also are at this point with our 19 year old. He consistently does the opposite of what we ask and doesn't care to live by the small rules we have places on his living in our home. He has announced that he is engaged to a young lady that has yet to graduate from high school and has a 10 month old son. While we work everyday to provide positive reinforcement, I want to scream and yell at him. Everyday I ask God how can a mother think so horribly of her son? I am so numb with anger that when he tells me that he loves me (ends every conversation with "I love you mom") that I no longer respond...my faith is wearing thin.