My child is always lying. How do I stop this behavior?

I have a daughter who can't seem to stop telling "tall tales." I catch her in lies all the time at home, and now she's complaining that the kids at school don't believe anything she says. Does she simply have a great imagination, or is this a serious problem?

If your daughter is a preschooler - three to five years old - you should bear in mind that kids at this age often have difficulty distinguishing fantasy from reality. They can tell "stories" without really understanding that they're lying. In that case, mom and dad simply have to wait until their child outgrows this troublesome stage.

If, on the other hand, she's a bit older - a grade-schooler or a pre-teen - then she's old enough to know that what she's doing is wrong. Her behavior is conscious and willful, and as such it must have an underlying motive. Our first guess would be that it's calculated to gain attention. She may not feel confident and secure about who she is, and as a result she's desperately trying to find a way to get her peers to like and respect her. Stated simply, she assumes that she can become more interesting and popular by embellishing the truth or making up fantastic stories about her life.

Does this analysis seem to fit your circumstances? And if so, is it possible that the roots of the problem lie within the circle of your immediate family? Have you been too busy to give your child the attention she requires at home? Maybe she just wants to be reassured of your love. Perhaps you should look for opportunities to spend some one-on-one time with her. Ask her if there's anything she'd like to talk about. Remember that, according to the most reputable studies, quantity time with parents is every bit as important to children - if not more so - than quality time. If her problem with lying has a domestic basis, you may be able to come up with a solution without ever moving beyond the home front - if you handle it sensitively.

If this approach doesn't yield the desired results - if the "tall tales" seem designed purely to elicit a response from her peers - then you should make it clear that lying will almost certainly have a negative effect on her relationships with other kids. If her friends begin to believe that she can't be trusted, they won't want to spend time with her. This, of course, is exactly the opposite of what she's trying to accomplish. Bring this point home to her, and you may be able to make some real progress in the direction of extinguishing the unwanted behavior.

It may also be helpful to implement firm consequences for lying, such as taking away privileges when you catch her in a falsehood. Don't let yourself get pulled into a debate with her about whether or not she told the truth. Just deal with the behavior in a decisive way - act, don't yak. You can also enlist the help of her friends by asking them to tell her that they don't want to play with her if she persists in lying. Then, the next time she bends the truth, they should simply walk away.

One friend of mine taught their daughter a lesson about lying. They told her within 2 weeks they were going to take her to Disneyland. She was so excited. Daily she kept asking how soon and they counted down the days with her. On a Saturday morning, when they were supposed to be leaving, they slept in. When she came to their door and wanted to know how soon they were leaving, they responded by saying, "what are you talking about, leaving for where?"

When she said Disneyland, they said "were not going to Disneyland!" What made you think that? She said, "mom, we've been talking about it for two weeks, haven't we? You promised that is where we are going today. That is when her mom and Dad said, "you know you've been teaching us to lie by your lying to us," so were not going anywhere, How does it feel to be lied to? Boy oh boy was she disappointed. This was a hard lesson for her to learn, but ever since that day she has never lied anymore.

I think you may need to talk with someone at greater length about this problem. You can call Focus on the Family and talk with one of their counseling staff at your convenience. A member of their team will be happy to give you a brief over-the-phone consultation and provide you with a list of referrals to qualified Christian family therapists in your area. You can call and speak with one of them Monday through Friday between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. Mountain time at 800-A-FAMILY (800-232-6459). It would be our pleasure to support you and your family in any way we can.