There was a guy who owned his own business. He sold plastics to many different companies. One day one of his warehouses burnt to the ground. This led to many orders being cancelled and a loss of customers. The insurance company was not going to cover the damage. This guy was in real trouble. He could lose everything.

Well, the guy decided to see his minister. He said to the minister, "I need help! My warehouse burnt to the ground, my product is all gone, my customers are leaving, and I am losing everything!"

The minister told him, "You can find all the answers to your problems in the Bible."

The guy asked, "Where should I start?"

The minister answered, "If you do not know where to look, just open the book and place your finger on the page, and start right there. Sooner or later you will find your answers."

Well, A few months later the minister ran into the individual. It was obvious the individual had become very successful. He had a new car, new clothes, several rings and chains.

The guy walks over to the minister and says, "Thank you. The answers I found turned my life around!"

The minister was curious and said, "In what passage did you find your answers?"

The man says, "I did just what you said. I opened the Bible to a spot, looked down, and found my answer staring me right in the face - "Chapter 11."

 

Bottle on the Beach

One day, a man was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared.

"For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie.

The man was ecstatic. "But there's a catch," the Genie continued.

"What catch?" asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously.

The Genie replied, "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive DOUBLE what you asked for."

"Hey, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari!"

POOF!

A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given TWO Ferraris," said the Genie. "What is your next wish?"

"I could really use a million dollars..." replied the man, and

POOF!

One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every lawyer in the world is TWO million dollars richer," the Genie reminded the man.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got MY million," replied the man.

"And what is your final wish?" asked the Genie.

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney...."

The Rules

 

   The female always makes The Rules.

 

 The Rules are subject to change without prior notification.

 

 No male can possibly know all The Rules.

 

 If the female suspects the male knows all The Rules, she must immediately change some or all of The Rules.

 

 The female is never wrong.

 

 If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

If the above rule applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

 

 The female may change her mind at any time.

 

 The male must never change his mind without the expressed written consent of the female.

 

 The female has every right to be angry and upset at any time.

The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

 

 The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

The male is expected to mind read at all times.

 

 The male who does not abide by The Rules cannot take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

 

 Any attempt to document The Rules could result in bodily harm.

 

 If the female has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.

The female is ready when she is ready.

 

 The male must be ready at all times.

 

 

Secret To a Truly Contented Marriage

   

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

 

Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," Explained the man. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.

 

We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, "That's once." We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. One more my wife quietly said, "That's twice." We hadn't gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot him.

 

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, "That's once."

 

Email Falls Into the Wrong Hands

   

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston ... a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Date: Friday, December 1, 2006

Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS..... Sure is hot down here!

Your loving Husband

 

Acts 2:38

  

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38! (repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven)."

 

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

 

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

 

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an axe and two 38s!'