A vicar was talking to one of his parishioners. He said "When you get to my age you spend a lot more time thinking about the hereafter." "Why do you say that", enquires the parishioner. The vicar replies "Well, I often find myself going into a room and thinking what did I come in here after."

Did you hear about the cannibal who got sick after eating the missionary? He boiled him and he was a friar!

What did the Zen Buddhist Monk say to the Hotdog Vender? Make me One with everything!

A man was beaten up by robbers on a road to London. He lay there, half dead and in bad shape. A Vicar came along, saw him and passed by on the other side. Next, a monk came by but also walked quickly on the other side. Finally, a social worker came along, looked at the man and said "Whoever did this needs help!"

Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a stone? Because nothing like this had ever entered his mind before.

Did you hear about the man who bought a dog with no legs? He called it cigarette. He used to take it out for a drag.

Did you hear about the two peanuts that went walking around the Bronx in the middle of the night? One of them was assaulted.

A man called a bible believing church and the secretary answered the call. The man on the other end of the line said, "I'd like to speak to the head hog." The secretary replied, "That wasn't a very nice thing to say about our beloved minister, Rev. Jones." Again the man replied, "I'd like to speak to the head hog, because I'm going to donate $75,000.00 to the church. She replied, "Hold on a moment, I think the big fat pig just walked in."

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness? Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.

The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?" The preacher has no time to reply. "Well it's a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. Eternal life! Ha! "It's all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life; no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!" "Well thank God for that" replies the preacher!

One day a Pastor, a Reverend and an Atheist go on a fishing trip together. They are in the boat and the Pastor says," Oh! No! I left the paddles on shore!" So he proceeds to get out of the boat and walk on the water to the shore to get them. Once he had gotten back into the boat the Reverend says," Oh! No! I left the bait on shore too!" And like the Pastor the Reverend exits the boat and walks on the water to get the bait. When the Reverend climbs back into the boat the atheist yells," Well if you guys can do it so can I!!!" and proceeds to climb out of the boat, but he falls into the water. At this point the Pastor says," Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?"

It wasn't the apple that caused the trouble in the Garden of Eden, it was the pair on the ground.

Adam was walking outside of the Garden of Eden with Cane and Abel when the boys were young. Cane and Abel looked into the garden and viewed waterfalls, lovely birds, lush forests and fruit trees bending over because of the large amounts of fruit on them.

Then they took a long look at where they lived . It was dry, dusty with weeds and sickly-looking trees.

"Daddy? Why don't we live in there instead of out here?" they asked innocently.

Adam said, "Well sons. Eve and I use to live in there at one time. But your mother ate us out of house and home."

God said to Adam, "I am going to make you a helper, a companion. What would you like your companion to be like?" Adam replied, "Well I want someone that is humorous, witty, intelligent, compassionate, caring, loving, trusting, polite, generous and beautiful."

God paused a moment after Adam's wish list and told Adam that a companion like that 'would cost him an arm and a leg.' Adam seemed a little dejected and then brightly replied: "What can I get for a Rib?"

A pastor had been transferred and was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors. For the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you." "Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone. "No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last."

What did the cross eyed school teacher say to his disruptive children? - "I can't control my pupils."

Why are there no Christians in Heaven yet? Because they are all still at the gates, saying to each other: "After you", "No, I insist after you..."

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the television when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously have got the wrong person and shuts the door.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Mr. Mandela is getting a bit upset by now, so he tells the Chinese man, "Look, you again have the wrong house! And the wrong person! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again. The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinaman thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Main dealer?"

How many charismatic Christians does it take to change a light bulb? One, since at least one of his/her hands are in the air anyway.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None, God has predestined when the lights will be on.

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? Ten, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

How many Television Evangelists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a light bulb? None, they only use candles.

How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb? They ask, what's a light bulb?

How many Polygamous Mormons does it take to change a light bulb? Five. You will need one man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!

How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

After a very long and boring sermon those in attendance filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!" The pastor was thrilled. "No-one has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why." "Well - it reminded me of the Peace of God because it passed all understanding and the Love of God because it endured forever!"