Funny Definitions

Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up and dye

Cannibal:Someone who is fed up with people

Dust:Mud with the juice squeezed out

Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation

Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage

Handkerchief:

Cold storage

Raisin:

Grape with a sunburn

Tomorrow:

One of the greatest labor saving devices of today

Mosquito:

An insect that makes you like flies better

Yawn:

An honest opinion openly expressed

Secret:

Something you tell to one person at a time

A girl says to her doctor <http://www.funnyjunkz.com/funny-blonde-jokes/blonde-patient-in-pain/>, You have to help me. I hurt all over.

She touches her right knee with her index finger and says, Ow! That hurts.

She touches her left cheek with her index finger and says, Ouch! That hurts, too.

She touches her right earlobe with her index finger and says, Ow! Even that hurts.

The doctor says, Do you really want to know what is wrong with you?

She replied, Yes.

The doctor says, You have a sprained finger.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kinds.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows <http://www.funnyjunkz.com/funny-blonde-jokes/window-pain/> had been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now I'm not stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year, namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? (I told him). "it's been a year!

There was only silence <http://www.funnyjunkz.com/funny-blonde-jokes/window-pain/> at the other end of the line, so finally I just hung up!. He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate people anymore. Heh.

Silly Questions asked in the Courtroom

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: What was the first thing your husband <http://www.funnyjunkz.com/funny-questions-answers/courtroom-questions-and-answers/> said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for

?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"

The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."

"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"

The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started."

The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10 tomorrow?"

"Well, here at the post office, we don't do anything for the first two hours. Don't need you here then!"

A woman had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.

Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and

was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant.

Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine."

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" she began.

I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me.

So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree!

I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree!

I served to the right and there was another tree!

I swerved to the left and there was …."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles.

That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

Three unemployed women were out shopping one day

when they found an oil lamp in an antique store.

Together they began rubbing it and miraculously, a genie appeared. 'I will grant you as much intelligence as you desire, 'said the Genie.

'Wow, 'said the first woman " I would like to be ten times smarter then I am now," and in a flash the genie granted her the wish. The next day the woman got a job as a teacher.

'Hmmm said the second woman, I would like to be twenty times smarter. Your wish is my command said the genie as he blinked his eyes and granted her wish. The next day she found a job as a nuclear physicist.

Well said the third woman, I would like things to stay the way they are now. I don't have to go to a job and think all the time…if anything, I would rather be ten times dumber; right, ok said the Genie and The next day she woke up and found she was a man!

There was a married woman who was very concerned

about her stupid remarks to her husband, so she decides to make it up to him by painting the house while he was at work.

When her husband came home, the house was surprisingly light green and smelled like fresh paint, so he went to find her to see what was going on. When he went in the bedroom, she was still painting. She was wearing a ski jacket over a leather jacket.

The husband said "I like what you did to the house, but why are you wearing a ski jacket over a leather jacket?" She responded "When I was reading the instructions on the can, it said 'FOR BEST RESULTS, USE TWO COATS!'"

A blonde is driving on the highway

. She looks over and sees another blonde in a wheat field, rowing a boat. She stops and gets out of her car and says, "What are you doing out there?"

The blonde in the wheat field replies, "Fishing."

The driver says, "It's blondes like you that make blondes like me look stupid. If I knew how to swim, I would come out there and slap you silly."