Compiled by: Rev. Vic Logan

A newly appointed assistant manager of a local burger king is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom "I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes."

Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they''ll be delayed two hours.

Shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours.

The trainee turns to the guy sitting beside him and says, "Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we''ll be up here all day."

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One day a very pretty young lady is sitting on a plane next to one of those annoying, pushy businessmen. He asks her if she would like to play a game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway.

He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa."

She says no again, and tries to fall asleep.

The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?"

At that number, the lady agrees.

The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500.

"Got it," she replies.

He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him $5.

Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?"

The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the Internet, e-mails his friends. No one knows the answer. So he gives her $500.00.

Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?"

She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.

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An older woman walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the woman working there for a haircut. The woman sits down in the chair. The hairdresser takes the woman's headphones off and cuts her hair. At the end, the hairdresser asks how she likes her hair but, to her surprise the woman is dead! The hairdresser picks up the headphones and listens.

She hears: "Breathe in...breathe out...breathe in...breathe out."

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A road consturction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A feminist, a mother and a secretary all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road. The first day, the feminist paints 2 miles, the mother 1.5, and the secretary only 1. On the second day, the feminist paints 1 mile, the mother 2, and the secretary 2.5. On the third day, the feminist only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the mother 3, and the secretary 3.5. The manager decides to talk to the feminist.

"You haven't been painting as much road as you did on the first day,'' the manager said. ''What's the problem?''

''I'd be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!''

A blonde and a brunette both jump off a cliff at the same time. Which one will hit the bottom first? The brunette, because the blonde has to ask for directions.

One day a Polish girl finds out from her friend that her boyfriend is cheating on her. So she goes out to the mall and buys a gun. After that she goes to her boyfriend's house. She busts down the door and points the gun at her head.

"What are you doing?'' says her boyfriend.

"Shut up! You're next!"

Did you hear about the Hot Red Head that tried to blow up her husband's car?

She burned her lips on the tailpipe!

Q: What do a pregnant woman and a car have in common?

A: They can both drive you crazy

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

A. Run, 'cause she's got a grenade in her mouth!

Q. Why'd they create the microwave?

A. So men could cook, too!

Two nut cases realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.

"Help, help!" yells one of them.

"Help us, help us!" yells the other.

"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first.

"Good idea," said the other.

"Together, together!"