Poor Sick Boy
Marty, a little boy, was in church one Sunday with his mother Doris, when he started feeling sick. 'Mommy,' he inquired, 'can we leave now?' 'No,' his mother replied, 'the service isn't over yet.'
'Well, I think I'm about to throw up.' Marty announced. 'Then go out of the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.' said Doris.
After about sixty seconds, Marty returned to his pew, alongside his mother. 'Did you throw up?' Marty's Mom asked quietly. 'Yes,' Marty answered, embarrassed.
'How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?' Doris demanded.
'I didn't have to go out of the church, Mummy. They have a box next to the front door that says, "For the Sick" '.
Amish Humour:
Sign behind an Amish carriage: Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats. Extreme caution: Avoid exhaust.
Board Meeting
'There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service,' announced Reverend Morris.
After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of church for the announced meeting. However, there was a stranger in their midst. He was a visitor who had never attended their church before.
'My friend,' asked Reverend Morris, 'did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?'
'Oh, yes,' came the rejoinder from the visitor, 'and after that sermon, I'm about as bored as you can get.'
A small congregation in the foothills of the Great Smoky Mountains, USA, built a new church on a piece of land left to them by a church member in his will.
Ten days before the new church was to open, the local building inspector informed the vicar that the parking lot was inadequate for the size of the building. Until the church doubled the size of the parking lot, they would not be able to use the new sanctuary.
Unfortunately, the church with its undersized parking lot had used every inch of their land except for the mountain against which it had been built. In order to build more parking spaces, they would have to move the mountain out of the back yard.
Undaunted, the pastor announced the next Sunday morning that he would meet that evening with all members who had "mountain-moving faith". They would hold a prayer session asking God to remove the mountain from the back yard and to somehow provide enough money to have it paved and painted before the scheduled opening dedication service the following week.
At the appointed time, 24 of the congregation's 300 members assembled for prayer. They prayed for nearly three hours. At ten o'clock the pastor said the final 'Amen'.
'We'll open next Sunday as scheduled,' he assured everyone. 'God has never let us down before, and I believe He will be faithful this time too.'
The next morning as he was working in his study there came a loud knock at his door. When he called "come in", a rough looking construction foreman appeared, removing his hard hat as he entered. 'Excuse me, Reverend. I'm from Acme Construction Company over in the next county. We're building a huge new shopping mall over there and we need some fill dirt. Would you be willing to sell us a chunk of that mountain behind the church? We'll pay you for the dirt we remove and pave all the exposed area free of charge, if we can have it right away. We can't do anything else until we get the dirt in and allow it to settle properly.'
The little church was dedicated the next Sunday as originally planned and there were far more members with "mountain-moving faith" on opening Sunday than there had been the previous week.
The Hungry Children Fed: A Thought-provoking Short Religious Story
Marge, a poor widow, spoke one morning to her five young children, 'My darlings, I can give you nothing to eat this morning. I have no bread or anything else to eat. Ask the dear Lord to help us. He is rich and mighty, and has said Himself, "Call upon me in the day of trouble, and I will deliver thee." '
Little Robyn, who was just seven years old, was very hungry and sad as she walked to school. As she passed by the open door of the church, she went in, and kneeling down, she prayed with a loud voice in what she thought was an empty church, 'Dear Father in Heaven, we children have nothing to eat. Our mother has no bread, no meal, not even a piece of fruit. O, help us. Give us and our dear mother something to eat. Thou art rich and mighty, and can easily help us.'
So prayed little Robyn trusting with her childlike simplicity, then she continued on to school.
When he came home, she saw upon the table a large loaf of bread, a dish of meal and a basket of fruits. 'Now, thanks to God,' she cried joyfully, 'He has heard my prayer. Mother, has an angel brought all these things through the window?'
'No, my little Robyn,' said Marge, her mother, 'but still God has heard your prayer. As you kneeled at the altar, a good lady was kneeling also in her place in the church. You could not see her, but she saw you and heard your prayer. She has sent us these things. She is the angel through whom God has helped us. Now, thank God, and never forget through your whole lives to "call upon God in your day of trouble." '
Children's Humor From the Classroom
Children often create funny moments without meaning to cause laughter. Here are some examples:
Moira
was struggling to get the tomato ketchup out of the bottle. As she was trying the phone rang and her 4 year old daughter, Mia, answered it saying, 'Sorry, mummy can't come to the phone at the moment because she's hitting the bottle.'
Jenny
was watching her daddy getting dressed in his dinner jacket [tuxedo] before the party.
'You shouldn't wear that, daddy,' she murmured.
'Why, darling?' inquired her father of Jenny.
'Well you know it always gives you a headache in the morning, said Jenny.'
Chris
was driving his 4 year old, Betsy, to the beach one summer when a woman in a cabriolet in front stood up and waved. She was absolutely naked and as Chris was recovering from the shock he heard Betsy shout,' Look, daddy, that woman isn't wearing a seat belt.'
Maggie
, was an infant school teacher for 1st Graders. On her first day, a little girl gave her a note which said: 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of her parents.'
Steve
, age 6 years, became lost in a sports complex. Seeing a ladies locker room [changing facility] in front of him he darted in to ask for help. When he was spotted the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. Steve watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
Jack
, a village police officer, parked his van outside the police station and was about to collect his police dog, a German shepherd, from the back. The dog was barking rather loudly and a little boy who was watching asked the policeman, 'Is that a dog you've got there?'
'Yes,' smiled Jack. The little boy looked extremely puzzled and eventually asked, 'What did he do?'
Paul
, while working for 'meals-on-wheels', an organisation that delivers lunches to the elderly, Paul used to take his 4-year-old daughter, Lois, with him on his afternoon rounds. Lois was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the walking sticks, triangular walkers and the wheelchairs.
One day Paul found Lois staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As he prepared himself for the inevitable barrage of questions, Lois merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy is never going to believe this.'
Nathan
, after his first day at school, returned home and told his mother, 'I'm wasting my time at school. I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk.'
Father John
, while walking along the pavement in front of his church, heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son, Rory, and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and some cotton wool, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. Rory, the minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with great and honored dignity spoke in a deep tone his version of what he thought his father always said, 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'
