I've counseled many couples who are suffering due to a distracted husband. His attention is dominated by his job, a hobby, recreation, or entertainment-and this leads to frustration in his wife and a contentious marriage. A marriage marked by distraction will never be healthy. For a husband to turn his heart back toward home, he must first deal with the root issues of his distraction. One of these is performance motivation. As children, many men learn from their parents that they are not accepted unless they perform. These parents tend to communicate love and approval only when a child excels at something. In many cases, performance-driven parents are operating out of good intentions, but their emphasis on achievement can damage a child's self-esteem. Parents should communicate their love to a child at all times-not just when he or she does something great. Children who perform to win approval from their parents end up performing for societal acceptance as adults. This is a problem because our culture only offers conditional acceptance-it's ours only if we drive the right car, look a certain way, or meet a popular standard of success. When I counsel men who are driven and distracted, these men often share how they never felt accepted by their fathers. Whether they realize it or not, their lives are constant quests for fatherly approval. They are driven toward achievement and career success, but they are pursuing it at the expense of their marriage and family. The good news is that God, our heavenly Father, accepts us regardless of how we perform. He wants us to do our best and keep His commandments, but He loves us as His children before we even start that process. When you have God's approval, the approval of man matters less. You can stop performing to gain man's approval. Greed is another factor that may cause distracted husbands. Many men who work too much feel they are doing it for their families. But although men should be good providers, the first thing every man should give his wife and children is himself. If work keeps you from doing that, money or the things it buys will not solve your marriage problems. You may tell your wife, "I'm doing it for you." But let's face it-you derive emotional gratification or material reward from your job, and that keeps you going. Could you be motivated more by greed? Some men are greedy for money and possessions. Other men are greedy for personal pleasure. They golf, fish, hunt, or play to excess at their family's expense. I once counseled a couple on the verge of divorce because the husband played softball six nights a week! Repentance is the only answer to greed of any kind-whether it's greed for money or greedy for self-satisfaction. Repentance must then lead to contentment. If you are a husband distracted by these things, turn your heart toward God and your family and give them their rightful places in your life. There are multiple factors behind broken marriages, but many of them are the result of a distracted husband-a man who constantly gives his attention to his work or recreation rather than his family. Some men do this because they are greedy or are driven by a childhood need to perform, as we discussed in a previous Marriage Builder. But other men may be motivated by additional causes.For instance, perverted work-related values often lead to distracted men. I once counseled a man whose wife was furious because he worked seven days and six nights a week. In order to see him, she had to go to his place of employment. Most of their time together was spent around his job. When she threatened to leave him unless he could change, he agreed to take an hour out of his "busy" schedule to come to my office and ask me to, in his words, "talk some sense" into his unreasonable wife. I told him I agreed with his wife's belief that he worked too much. I told him he should change jobs, if necessary, to meet his wife's needs. "Your work should support the home," I said. "Not the other way around." He turned beet-red was visibly disgusted with me, as if I'd just slapped his grandmother. He believed that his family was an outgrowth of his work. This man had perverted priorities. In Matthew 22, Jesus says the greatest commandment is to love God. The second greatest is to love others. "Loving work" is curiously absent from that passage. Another root cause of distraction is unresolved conflict. When a husband and wife have a wedge between them-and refuse to deal with it-a man may respond by turning his attention toward work. The longer this takes place, the more unhealthy their relationship becomes. Why is this a natural response? Some men are not honored or respected at home, but they do receive that respect at work. So they gravitate to the workplace to meet this basic needs. Work acts as a surrogate home atmosphere. But the correct answer to any problem at home is never, never, found by turning away from home. If you are hiding from family problems by working excessively, you need to repent and go home. Ask God to help you overcome your family or marriage problems. Pray, and ask others to pray with you and for you. As you persevere in prayer to deal with these problems, God will honor you. You will be much happier for having faced the issues head-on. Because of the culture we live in, it is easy for men to become distracted by their work, regardless of the reason behind it. If you are a husband, then you are a husband at risk for distraction. Resolve now not to let anything-other than your relationship with God-come before your marriage and family. Blessings,
