Soon I found myself broken before the Lord, as well as my parents, and for the first time in years, I saw myself as I really was-a sinner saved by grace. My heart was no better as a conservative, homeschooling girl than anybody else. The summer I was 16 was a turning point in my life. For the first time, I could walk with the Lord without such pride and pretense. God gave me a new respect and compassion for others in place of the condemnation I'd so readily bestowed on fellow Christians. It was truly as if the scales were removed from my eyes and I was finally able to focus on Jesus-only Jesus.

That fall, I started writing in a journal with the intention of giving it to my future husband on our honeymoon. I kept a prayer card in my Bible with the words "Wherever he is, whatever he is doing." across the top and started praying daily and purposefully for him. I knew that God knew who this man was, though I didn't, and with a fresh understanding of the importance of it, I wanted to commit myself to him.

Being that I'm a girl who is absolutely "in love with love," I was struggling with knowing that I would have to wait for this man for years, as I was only sixteen and could foresee years of patient (or not-so-patient) waiting ahead of me.

From my "Future Husband Journal," as I called it:

My Beloved Husband,

The time is late, but I want very much to write you. I have been thinking of you almost constantly the past week or so. The thought that has filled my mind is that you are now, somewhere on this earth, living, and you are not with me. I know it does not make any earthly sense, but I do love you, wonderful man I have never met.I have been struggling with patience the past few days. On the closer side of victory some of the time, fighting hard with my longing for a visible, tangible person to love others. I know the Lord uses it for good, though-a stronger and deeper closeness to Him I have already noticed.

In March of 2003, a week before my seventeenth birthday, my best-friend-and-closer-than-a-sister came for a visit. Bethany and I were up one night until four o'clock in the morning, talking about our future and our plans for life after high school. We talked of courtship and trusting the Lord. She told me she and her parents had such peace about her plan for after graduation. She had a thriving business and ministry as a music teacher and had endless opportunities before her to serve the Lord through music. I, on the other hand, was still wondering what I would do. I was looking at a nearby Christian college and wondered if I might end up teaching piano for a while also. One thing was for sure-I didn't want to just "sit at home cross stitching all day, waiting for someone to drop out of the sky," as I often told my parents!

During her visi, Bethany told me about a young man and mutual friend who had just begun courting. I laughed, "Well, I guess that means that's one less person.."

"What do you mean?" She smiled at my sheepish look. "Did you think he was a possibility?"

"Kinda. I always wondered. things just seemed to match up. But, obviously, he wasn't in God's plan." We both laughed and shrugged.

Later that night, I wrote in my journal.

I think God is trying to show me something. I can't think of a time when my heart has been so free of any thoughts or speculations or prospects in mind. I really believe He is bringing me to a place of a truly deeper relationship and dependence on Him and Him alone. I should not have my eyes on any, any person other than Christ. And I see Him pulling away the distractions that have held me back for quite a while. I so desperately long to be wholly and completely devoted to Him in every way. And I truly, sincerely mean that. there are so many things changing in my heart and life-I wish I could eloquently record them all here, but I know I can't.

And there are some issues of the heart which can never be put into words. Such is the state of my heart tonight.

The week before Bethany's visit, some friends of ours had given a young Marine a ride to church. Apparently he had served with the father from this family at a church when he was in Japan and upon his arrival to California, called and asked for a ride. Churches near military bases are full of people who knew each other at previous duty stations, at this Marine was no exception. He knew a few of our other friends and I soon heard that he even been at our church a few years before. Being that we had only been attending for a few years ourselves, I wasn't surprised that I didn't remember him.. although before I met him that morning I had thought he looked rather familiar.

It is not unusual at all for young Marines to come to our church, but whether or not they continue to come is often another story. Many families have a heart for these young guys and try to make them feel welcome with hopes of encouraging them to stay. As was customary, he was invited to stay and fellowship with the families who spent the afternoon at church and have lunch with everyone. Although my family lived right in town, most of our good friends didn't, so I had stayed at church that Sunday with a family who had two daughters my age.

We had filled our afternoon with games, music and singing and were all standing in the foyer at church talking when we heard the soft notes of Palchelbel's Canon in D being played on a guitar. It was John, that new Marine.

"You know that song on the guitar?" We were all pretty impressed. After all, doesn't every girl know that as the perfect song for their wedding processional?

Apparently he didn't have any idea of the significance of such a song. "Uh, yeah, I do."

We all listened while he finished, then I asked what else he knew. I had just learned to play Canon on the piano and loved classical music, and he had just started turning his guitar skills in the classical direction, so we compared songs and quickly realized that we both shared a strong love of all things music.

The afternoon progressed and so did our conversation. We talked about his home in Colorado, his time in the Marine Corps, my piano students, Christian colleges we both had looked into. He was talking about high school and mentioned that he had graduated in 1998.

I thought for a second. "That would make you.?"

"Twenty-three." A brief pause. "And you are.?"

"Turning seventeen next week."

I laughed at his surprise, although I was a bit used to it. People had been thinking me much older than I was for as long as I could remember. Inwardly, I smiled to myself. Good. A nice age difference there. no need to worry about any interest on his part. I enjoyed talking to him, and for the first time in a long time, actually felt that I could have a brother/sister relationship with this John without any flirtatiousness or concern of anything more developing.