Repairing an Emotionally Empty Marriage

Karen's Question: How do you repair a marriage that is emotionally empty? Conversations quickly turn mean and critical, and it's almost impossible to agree on any subject.

Gloria's Answer: A marriage that is not founded on a solid foundation of communication is usually a very empty marriage. I love that you are asking and seeking out ways to improve that! A couple of suggestions for you that hopefully will help!

1) Men and women are different. Yes, I know - you are thinking that I am brilliant here, but I mean it. Just because we both may speak English does not mean that we perceive the words, hear the same inflections, or base illustrations on the same experiences in the same way.

2) The way that you communicate love may be completely different from the way your spouse communicates love. You may be a doer who cleans the house, cooks the dinners, and drives him to work everyday. You do it without a thought because you love him. He, on the other hand, shows love by spending time with you. He may get angry with you because you are cooking dinner, and he doesn't understand why you won't sit down and spend a few minutes with him on the couch. A great resource here is a book entitled "The Five Love Languages " by Gary Chapman. I highly recommend it!

3) The fact that the conversations turn mean and critical tells me that he is afraid, defensive, and unsure of himself. He doesn't have an answer, so he lashes out. He hears that you are afraid and insecure and he doesn't know what to do, so he criticizes you. He feels insecure or frustrated with his life or job or money, so he turns aggressive. Is it right? NO! But does it happen - all the time.

4) Your common ground is going to be pulling out some of these monsters out from under the bed, and YOU have the wisdom and power to do this. Read, empower yourself with tools, recognize the defensiveness and the dynamics of his style for what it is, and then refuse to take it personally.

Communication skills are learned, not something we are born with. Be patient and loving with your husband and yourself as you learn new techniques and styles. You'll get there!! » Return to top <http://www.womansdivorce.com/I-dont-want-a-divorce.html>

He Had An Affair, But I Don't Want To Divorce

Renee's Question:

My husband of 25 years has asked for a divorce. He has admitted to an affair with my children's teacher, and to lying to me for 10 years. I suspected and it often made me irrational. He also admitted to having an e-mail affair which he has continued even though he had told me it had ended. It is an affair of only some weeks but the other women is an old high school friend and writes "I love you." already. I don't work so he had told me he will give me the house and custody. The problem is that I love him, the kids love him and I don't want to break up. Help get my head straight.

Gloria Answers:

I remember years ago sitting in a counselor's office crying my eyes out. He asked me if I still loved my husband who I knew had had at least one affair and was suspicious of a current one, but had no solid evidence. I said yes, and asked how I could love someone who treated me so bad. It wasn't easy.

Yet, what I had to realize, and what I most want for you in this, is to look yourself in the mirror and love yourself more. Love who you are and the person you most want to be more than the fantasy of having a "happily ever after" with someone who treats you like dirt. You are sacrificing yourself, disrespecting yourself, and sending out a message to your children that it is okay to treat you horribly as long as you "love" them. No way!

A tougher question to ask yourself: If you don't having any respect for yourself and you don't love yourself enough to stand up for what you know true love is really all about, why should your husband?

In writing this column, I am always very careful not to give the impression or suggestion that I think anyone should get a divorce. The choice is always with the woman living her situation. Since he is asking for the divorce though, my encouragement is to learn what it means to let go of the "fantasy love" and have a healthy and loving relationship with yourself FIRST! » Return to top <http://www.womansdivorce.com/I-dont-want-a-divorce.html>

Stopping a divorce due to alcohol

Sue's Question

: My husband is an alcoholic and he left over two months ago, I haven't talked to him in over a month. I'm filing for divorce but it is just killing me. I know I can't live this way any longer but my emotions are overwhelming right now, because I do still love him but his alcoholism is out of control.

Gloria's Answer:

If you truly do love him, then be willing to do whatever is necessary to help your husband see the affects that his alcoholism is having on the people around him - including you. Pain is a great teacher, and will often cause people to stop and think about the direction they are going in their lives.

For you, I would love to see you take advantage of the many support groups that are available for families dealing with alcoholism. You are not alone! Love yourself enough to get the support you need to get through this with grace and dignity. Love your husband enough to let him know that his actions need to change, he may need to get some outside support as well, and you are strong enough to lead the way.

I know this is hard, but Sue, you can do hard!! You are strong and powerful. Take care of yourself, so that you can take care of the many others in your life who need you. » Return to top <http://www.womansdivorce.com/I-dont-want-a-divorce.html>

How Can I Open Up The Lines Of Communication

Janel's Question:

I'm afraid that my marriage is headed towards divorce. My husband has refused to touch me in any way for almost a year now, and he talks on the phone constantly but refuses to do so when I'm in the room. He either hangs up right away, asks me to leave, or leaves himself. I've asked him if he's having an affair and he says no. How can I find out if he's telling the truth? I'm confused and very, very angry. Do you know of any steps I can take to open up some communication, or find out what is going on and why he is acting this way? I don't want a divorce but I can't live with someone who so blatantly distrusts and despises me.

Gloria's Answer:

You are asking if you can find out the truth, but I believe you already know the answer to the affair question. But even if he is not, you have no doubts that you are not in a healthy marriage. You asked me how to communicate and get some answers, and I know this is true for so many women who wish they knew how to communicate better with their husbands.

My suggestions here may sound completely counterproductive, but I would challenge you to open your mind to a new way of thinking and approaching your marriage. After all, what you've been trying so far hasn't worked, so why not try something new?

Most of the time when a husband begins to treat his wife poorly there has been a breakdown somewhere in his respect towards you. I wouldn't waste a whole lot of time trying to figure out the what or when, but understand that that is probably the source. What needs to happen then is that you begin to rebuild some of that respect, and you do it by having respect for yourself first.

Think about it. If you had respect for yourself, would you put up with his private conversations in a room that equally belongs to you? If you had respect for yourself, would you continue to put up with his unwillingness to love you and honor you as his wife? If you had respect for yourself, would you be a doormat who continues to cook his meals, try to be kind, and love him in spite of all of this?

It's time to gain some R-E-S-P-E-C-T, and do it in a healthy way. I would suggest that you calmly set a time for the two of you to talk. Get it on his calendar if you have to! Then sit down and again calmly (and maybe even a little coldly) explain the situation as you see it. No tears, no drama, no pleading or begging allowed!! It may be one of the hardest things you've had to do, but you can do this!

Let him know that the private conversations will stop now, and that you suspect him of having an affair. Be very clear that you won't put up with any of it any longer, and that you will settle for nothing less than a faithful, loving husband. Tell him what the end result of his actions will lead to - him leaving with his clothes in garbage bags on the front lawn, divorce, custody issues, etc. He may be angry, but your job is to hold it together. If it gets too hard on you, get up and walk away. Again, guys don't deal well with drama, so just don't go there.

After a year of distance, this may feel extreme, but unless you create a situation that brings things to a head, you will continue to stay here in the dark. Claim your power to make a difference in your marriage, and take a stand - giving yourself all the love and respect YOU deserve! » Return to top <http://www.womansdivorce.com/I-dont-want-a-divorce.html>

There's been no communication. Should I just move on?

Katy's Question:

We have been separated for about a month and a half. During this time I've missed him very much. Before our separation, we argued all the time about my family, friends, job, etc. I am the one who left because I felt he was so controlling, possessive and jealous. For instance, he would get upset if I looked at someone he felt was good looking (whether in the car, watching television, etc.). He always wanted to know where I was or who I was with, etc. When I confronted him about how I felt, we would argue and our arguments would go on for hours and hours. He also doesn't like my family and says they tell me what to do all the time. We went to therapy and my therapist said my husband and I should split up. I didn't take his advice because I didn't feel the same way he did. I know I'm not perfect and have my problems too. However, I left this time and said I want a divorce. However, after not being together for almost two months, I'm not sure he wants to be with me anymore. I called him for a couple of weeks and he just didn't answer my calls. So I left him a message that if he wants a divorce, I would agree to it and get the papers. I just asked him to give me a call to see how we could work out the divorce in a civil way in order to not hurt each other. Unfortunately, he still didn't call me back. I still want to talk to him to try and get back together. Do you think he has moved on and I should just let him go, or should I try to contact him again. I feel like such a sap but I do love my husband. Please help.

Gloria's Answer:

It's a wonderful thing that you love your husband, but right now, you need to rediscover what it means to love yourself more! Why? Because you are groveling, you're acting out of fear, you're doing things impulsively, you're changing your mind often, and you're calling it love. It sounds romantic, but when you're on the receiving end as your husband is, it's repulsive.

Here's what I would love for you to do. Just be for awhile. There is no rush on filing the papers, and threatening that you will isn't helping. Focus in on your own personal growth and development. What is important to you? What are your goals? How's the physical side of you doing? Check out some good books and actually read them! You might also consider a coach. And just for a little while, let your husband go and give him the space to do the same in his own life.

This is your opportunity to rediscover the most wonderful part of yourself. The part that will truly be attractive to your husband, or, as hard as it might be to think about now, the next man in your life who does bring out the best in you and you do the same for him.