I wake up angry and go to sleep angry..my mom passed away in 2008 and she never told me the truth about a sister I have and never met..she lied to me my whole life(I'm 48yrs old) every little thing just sets me off. Someones voice or my kids will say something and I'll do the wrong thing, my husband just bugs the devil out of me and he is doing nothing wrong...I just cant stand anyone anymore..i just want to run away from my life forever. I feel like I could really hurt someone at any moment..

Answer #1

Hi Lolo,

I'm so sorry you're going through so much. First I would recommend a doctors visit to check your general health. Like me you're at an age where hormones could be a factor (not to say this is the sole cause of your anger). The doctor could also recommend a therapist to help you deal with what's the root of your stress. They would also give you the tools for managing your anger more effectivly.

I think it's totally understandable why you're feeling this way, since you recently had the death of your Mother and the realization of a sister you don't know. When we humans are stressed many times we let our frustrations branch to other people (children, spouse, co-workers ect.)

I know you feel insulted and angry regarding your Mom's secret. Is it possible that your Mom was afraid to tell her secret and didn't withhold it from you maliciously to hurt you. If you can think of it in this way- that she was just a scared woman who probably needed couselling herself-then it will calm your anger and you might even feel a little empathy. Also is it possible you can find your sister and begin a relationship? I think this may help you heal.

I know you feel like running away but, that's not a solution. Since you say your kids and husband aren't doing anything wrong then you shouldn't make them victims. When we're stressed we need to hang on to our families and appreciate the little things in life. Make sure you eat healthy and get moderate exercise. Most importantly take time to relax and love yourself. Always remember we can't change the past and don't let what your Mom did determine your future.

I would immediately go to the doctor. Heshe may give you some medication to take the edge off until you can see a therapist.

I too have been through my share of sress- just recently loosing my brother to alcohol poisonning. My sister in-law had him cremated before any of us had a chance to see him. I also have an impossible marriage problem (I have it posted here}.

You have taken the first step and that is admitting you have a problem. Now you just need to tell a professional. I wish you the best of luck and hope this helps in some small way.

Answer #2

First and foremost, take a deep breath. Think about the things you can change and the things you cannot change. Obviously, getting angry over things that have already happened or allowing those experiences to rule your emotions now isn't helping anyone. The secret, albeit a very large one, happened and nothing can change the last 48 years. So, first - by saying aloud "What my mother did happened. I cannot change this, I can only build future experiences upon what I took away from what she did. She had her reasons and they are reasons I will never know." It sounds corny, but really - just stand in front of a mirror and tell yourself this.

Now, in addition to just being angry - it sounds like your general life may be a bit stressed: husband, kids, passing of a parent, dealing with knowing you now have a sister... these are HUGE factors to stress. So, I think you may be taking one emotion, like anger, and projecting it out onto the people that you can project it on to and not the person that rightfully deserves the anger.

Projection is actually one of Freud's defined defense mechanisms and is pretty normal.

While I'm not an avid follower of Freud, I think his defense mechanisms make sense. Basically, our minds have to do something with anxiety because otherwise it would drive us insane. Projection is normally just the shifting of unacceptable thoughts onto another - I would say the unacceptable thought is being angry at your mother who is deceased... usually our society believes there should be respect for the dead, not resentment. So, for you to know you feel resentment towards your deceased mother is "unacceptable" so it pretty much is getting packaged up in a pretty bow and shipped off to your family.

Maybe this activity will work in helping - write a letter to your mother. Get all your frustrations out. Read the letter to yourself. Then burn it. Let the emotion go. Being angry over something that cannot be changed is not going to make your life better. Look forward with the time you can spend with your newly-found sister (or focus on finding her if you haven't already) and working towards making yourself less angry with your family. You may wish to seek counseling but overall, I think this is based on realizations of what you can and cannot change.

I wish you all the luck in feeling better. God Bless, Cris