I like to clean up after myself and maintain a tidy house. But my wife doesn't seem to have the same habits. When she gets home, the first thing she does is throw her purse and a book bag on the kitchen table. It sits there all night until she takes it to work the next day and does it all over again. She leaves a mess in the kitchen after breakfast every morning which I end up cleaning up. Dishes and cups are left out all over and never put straight into the dishwasher. The sink ends up piling up and when she cooks, she leaves a mess.
It seems like every room in the house shows her remnants. I'm not claiming to be perfect myself, but I try to kindly express to her how I feel and ask her if she could try to be better at these things, but she immediately gets defensive and tries to point the finger at me and find my faults. She won't accept that this is a problem and I feel like I can't even ask her these things because of how she responds. (See discussion!)
What should I do?
Stop enabling her
This is just my own personal plan, and it may not work for you.
Your wife is my husband. I finally came up with a plan that has been working, but it is VERY hard for me to follow through with. I did it, but ouch.
I started washing, drying, and putting away only the dishes that I had used. After a week of this, the kitchen was a mess, we were out of spoons, and the dishwasher had not been run. There were dirty pans on the cooktop and food caked onto it as well.
One night he said "The kitchen is a mess, when are you going to clean it?" I kindly said "I don't know what you are talking about. I have been doing all of my own dishes and cleaning up after myself for the last week. I have been washing the counters and the floor after myself and I believe that you may have missed a few things in there." Wink, wink
You can't say it nice enough since now you have proof. I had to let him pout for a few days.
I have been doing this for over a month now and he is much better! I started cleaning up his messes when he got pneumonia and when he got better, it was right back to old habits. After all, I taught him to be this way for the last 10 years, so I can't expect perfection overnight.
Just my thoughts...
How neat or messy we are is usually a result of how we were raised. While that's not always the case, it may help to start by asking what her house was like when she was growing up. How is her mother's house now? Is it/was it always very neat and tidy, or messy? How did she feel about that? Some people have parents who were always very neat and they never liked that, so when they are left to their own devices they rebel against that. Or maybe she just never had to pick up after herself, because somebody always cleaned up for her and she never learned. I think an understanding of this background will really help in developing your "attack plan."
Next, you should just sit down and talk for a while. Keep in mind that she may be defensive because of how you are approaching her. Most people don't respond well to complaints or "attacks." Tell her that the situation is not working for you, and be specific about what is important to you, what you need, and why. Be sure to ask her about what is important to her, too. Try to make some concessions here. Maybe she is feeling overwhelmed and you need to respect that even if you don't understand it.
Try to come up with a solution that meets both of your needs. You might try making a list of chores that need to be completed each day and each week, etc. That is what works best in my house. Or maybe you can do chores together if that works better for you.
You said: "She leaves a mess in the kitchen after breakfast every morning which I end up cleaning up. Dishes and cups are left out all over and never put straight into the dishwasher. The sink ends up piling up and when she cooks, she leaves a mess." At my house (and many others I know of), if 1 person cooks, the other takes care of the clean-up. Maybe she resents your expectation that she cook for both of you and clean up the mess all the time. That may not be the case. It's just a thought.
If all else fails, you need to ask yourself if this a big enough issue that you would risk your relationship over it. It may be for you. Only you can answer that one. If it's something you can't stand and you can't be happy unless it changes, then she needs to know that it is that important to you.
