Suicide Survivors Feel Guilty
Losing a loved one is undoubtedly one of the most difficult experienced people go through, but when a person commits suicide, there is an added element of guilt left behind. Suicides are nearly twice as common as homicides, says Indiana University professor of psychology John McIntosh. He's an expert in suicide prevention, and offers insight into people who kill themselves, suicide notes, social isolation, and feelings of grief.
Living with Guilt and Social Isolation
When a loved one commits suicide, the survivors may feel angry and guilty for not noticing that something was wrong. Because suicide still carries a negative stigma, survivors may feel socially isolated. It may be more difficult for them to talk about their feelings and share why their loved one died.
Suicide may seem like an easy way out of a tough situation or an unhappy life, but suicide is never easy on the survivors of suicide. Family and friends of those who take their own lives are left with a list of unanswered questions
P>Why did he do it?
Were things so bad?
Was it painful?
Did he guarantee himself an eternity in Hell?
Can he be forgiven for taking his own life?
Did he consider the family he was leaving behind?
What was the deciding factor in taking his life?
Did he try to tell someone he was thinking about suicide?
Would professional advice have helped?
Was it someone's fault?
Could someone have prevented the suicide?
How can survivors of suicide move on?
How can survivors get past the way he ended his life and remember him for the good times?
Guilt
The guilt you feel after losing a loved one to suicide can be consuming and overwhelming. Though feeling guilty is a normal for suicide survivors, it is not accurate or fair to assume any responsibility for their actions. It is important to remember that you are only responsible for your actions and how your respond to the actions of those around you. A person who is desperate enough to commit suicide is most likely trying to flee from unending pain and it has no reflection on the people in his life.
Grief Counseling
The emotions you feel as a survivor of suicide can be overbearing. Sorting through your emotions on your own can be a difficult experience as you move from anger and shame to guilt and regret. Grief counseling is one option that may help you get through the difficult time and sort out your feelings in attempt to heal from the tragedy without accepting the blame for it.
Grief Support Groups
Another option for suicide survivors is to seek out a grief support group. You'll be amazed by how opening up about the tragedy in the company of supportive strangers who know what you are going through can help. Sometimes it feels good to talk about your loss, fears, guilt, grief and sorrow. It's also okay to just listen until you are ready to share your own story.
Steps Towards Healing
Healing from the loss of a loved one doesn't happen overnight, but there are some steps you can take to make peace with your loved one and their decision to commit suicide.
1. Forgiveness. This may be difficult at fist when you are blaming him for leaving you the way he did, but it is an important step in the healing process. Try to understand where he was coming from and why his life might have seemed overwhelming.
2. Closure. Finding closure is another way to begin healing after a suicide. Come to terms with what happened. Write a heartfelt letter to your loved one.
3. Remember and Honoring. It is important to remember your loved one for the good he did, for the times you shared and for the kind of person he was. Displaying pictures, holding memorials, telling future family members about him, etc are all ways to remember and honor your loved one's life.
Signs of Suicide Risk
McIntosh says that talking about suicide is the most common sign that someone is at risk. If someone talks about suicide, call a suicide prevention professional immediately. Distress lines and help hotlines can provide support with the appropriate steps and insight into suicidal behavior.
Highest Risks of Suicidal Behavior
Old men commit suicide most often. The number of older people who kill themselves is higher than the number of young people who commit suicide. Men are more likely to commit suicide, but women are more likely to talk about thoughts of suicide.
Coping with Suicide Notes
According to McIntosh, suicide notes are rare and don't usually offer explanations of why the person took his or her own life.
"Suicide notes are found in only 25 percent of cases. Even when there is a note, it is almost never revealing or informative," McIntosh said. "The note might say, 'I love you' or where to find a bank account, but it typically does not give an explanation for why the person did this. There are few insights into their psyche."
People who kill themselves may feel like they can't reach out and communicate their feelings. Depression and suicide can be related, but depression doesn't necessarily lead to suicidal thoughts. Other factors have a stronger connection to suicide than depression.
The effects of suicide are similar to the effects of any sudden loss: shock, disbelief, and feelings of anger or guilt. Searching for answers is common when people kill themselves.
What to Say to the Survivors of Suicide
McIntosh offers suggestions for what to say and do when someone has lost a loved one to suicide:
"Tell them you are sorry for their loss, give them instrumental support with their daily needs, and don't dwell exclusively on the way that their loved one died. Recognize that they may feel very sensitive about the circumstances and try to avoid platitudes like, 'I know how you feel,' if you haven't experienced the same situation," he said.
