Divorce and Separation, by Jay Kesler
It is not the purpose of this article to deal with the pros and cons of divorce or even the biblical arguments for or against divorce and remarriage. To spend a lot of energy on "We ought to," "We should have," "Why didn't we?" "How did it all happen?" is often unproductive. The simple facts are many people have divorced and society has given tacit approval to divorce as a solution to marital conflict. Now what?
Divorce, like all other sins, is not condoned by God. In fact, in Matthew 19:3-9, Jesus had a lengthy discussion with the Pharisees about the issue and indicated that divorce was a part of that culture not because God desired it; but because of the hardness of the people's hearts. He permitted it. Divorce is, in some senses, by its very nature an object lesson of the nature of sin. Sin is disjuncture. Sin is alienation. Sin is fragmentation of relationship. Sin is division. All of these things can be said of divorce. And so one can expect that the results of divorce will be very severe for all concerned.
I have spent a great deal of time with divorced people, talking with them about their lives and relationships. Seldom, if ever, have I met people who would honestly say that divorce was, for them, a good experience. It is often the least objectionable of their alternatives and has led them from deep pain to a new start in life, but all say that the experience itself leave permanent scars that time, indeed, does not heal.
God, of course, is able to forgive all of our sins through Jesus Christ - that's one of the miracles of the new birth. God does not put divorce outside of His promises. People can be forgiven for having divorced and can be healed of the scars of their divorces in the same way that they can be healed of other scars. There is, however, scar tissue that remains in the lives of all those involved. Children who are victims of divorce carry permanent, lasting marks on their persons and characters. This is not to say that they cannot understand these, cannot work through them, cannot overcome them, and even be better persons for having struggled. But they are facts of the relationship just the same and will always continue to affect the family.
In order for the miracle of forgiveness and reconciliation to take place in a family fragmented by divorce, I believe responsible parents need to do several things. First, each person much acknowledge before God his or her own contribution to the situation and acknowledge it forthrightly as sin - sins either of omission (indifference, insensitivity, carelessness, etc.) or commission (unfaithfulness, abuse, etc.). Until divorced persons bring to God the sin of divorce and the thousand other sins committed in the process and seek His forgiveness, they'll never truly get beyond it.
Having confessed the sin to God and having allowed Christ's forgiveness to cover it and put it in the past, the parties need to go to one another and acknowledge that they realize there are two sides to every issue. (You can't slice bread so thin that there aren't two sides.) Unless they are willing to acknowledge that contribution to the breakup, and ask forgiveness of their ex-mate, they will never really have peace of mind.
Third, the husband and wife involved in divorce have to conscientiously and before God look at their responsibility toward children and others - family members and friends - who surrounded them and were part of their lives while they were married. This is obviously easier to do when both members of the marriage feel some responsibility toward God and some desire to rectify things in His eyes. If they don't agree on this issue, then surely the believing spouse must do all he or she can do to bring about as positive a situation as possible. This involves sitting down with the children and explaining to them that often adults get involved in situations that they don't truly understand and act sinfully and unworthily.
I think each parent owes the other one the courtesy and dignity of telling the children that they dare not go through life feeling that one party was totally guilty. The parents must accept mutual responsibility for the breakup and allow the children to understand that here are two adults unable to solve their problems and honor their commitment. It is also important to expose the children to the pain, personal hurt, and frustration that exist because the parents have chosen this "out." Kids need to hear their parents say how painful divorce really is and how lacking it is as a solution. It would have been better if things could have been worked out.
Parents owe it to children to tell them that they (the children) were not responsible for the divorce. Many children, deep inside, feel that they caused the divorce because while Mom and Dad were having their marital battle, the kids were having their own problems with behavior and obedience. Thus these children feel that divorce is God's way of punishing them for their misdeeds. Responsible parents must sit down with children, especially younger kids, and help them understand that these things are totally unrelated. Of course, older children are generally more aware of the family situation and what led to the breakup. Still, parents should not assume too much.
Both of the divorced parents need to continually reassure the children that they love them. They should also commit themselves to fairness in their relationships with the children and determine not to cut down each other or drive a wedge between family members. In short, they should commit themselves to make the best out of a very bad and difficult situation. I believe people involved in divorce and separation need to do the same kind of ting with their friends, rather than seeking allies or further sandbagging themselves against their former spouse.
The New Testament admonition that "love covers a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8) is speaking of the application of loving principles to very difficult and sinful areas such as divorce. Responsible people who have divorced should attempt to apply love (i.e., responsible behavior) by lessening divorce's effect on innocent parties. Though they can't undo the wrong that's been done, they can try to ease the pain. To start off on a new foot without giving care to the rebuilding of these broken and bruised relationships is to build one's future on a foundation that is crumbling.
What about remarriage? There is a rather old pop tune that extols how much better things are the "second time around." It is possible; they can be. But one dare not start the second time around and repeat the same old mistakes or he is guilty of the grossest of all insensitivities. This is perhaps the reason why, as you read the New Testament, you sense the sever e nature of the prohibitions against the breaking up of the family. It is in the family that we can enjoy the deepest relationships with God, but it is also in the family that we can hurt one another the most.
Divorced persons need to team with other divorced persons in the church or other Christian context. They need to learn from one another, support one another, and help one another in the rebuilding process. It's not so much a matter of doing it once, that is, sitting down with the children or sitting down with one's former spouse or explaining things to friends and neighbors; it's a matter of entering into a quality of life that is redemptive in its very nature and demeanor. I suppose there's a sense in which a formerly married person is always a formerly married person; therefore there's a certain sobriety and seriousness about the way he or she approaches relationships now that is uncharacteristic of people who have never experienced the hurt. It is this contriteness and humility of heart, this willingness to seek forgiveness and increased concern to bring about understanding relationships that cause God to smile and say even to a person who has gone through this most serious of human experiences, "Well done, good and faithful servant."
Dr. Jay Kesler served as President of Youth for Christ/USA from 1973-1985, and is currently President Emeritus of Taylor University.
Reprinted from Parents and Teenagers, Jay Kesler, General Editor,
Youth for Christ/USA, 1984.
