If you have been through a divorce you are familiar with the range of emotions involved. There are feelings of anger, depression, remorse, regret, guilt and loss. Add to those emotions the conflict that may come with the process and a person begins to feel overwhelmed. The resources on this page will help you cope with the negative emotions you will experience, before, during and after the divorce process.
Tips for Dealing with Anger.
Keep Your Anger from Causing Physical Illness. Keep Anger at Your Ex from Hurting Your Child. You should not be responding to Other People's Opinions About Your Divorce.
Tips to Help You Resolve Conflict with Your Ex.
Most people go through a myriad of emotions. Hurt, disappointment, and grief are some of the more easily recognized emotions, but underlying all of these may be anger.
Tips for Dealing with Anger
Here are five strategies that will help you deal with your anger in a positive way.
Anger is a legitimate emotion and is your heart trying to tell you something is hurting. Stuffing anger to avoid dealing with it can result in depression, your anger turned inward. Allow yourself to explore the reasons for your anger and to express it in safe ways>/p>
2. Women especially may have been brought up to think that they should be "nice and agreeable" and not get angry. Everyone gets angry at times, and it is a healthy emotion, not something to be feared. Talk to a friend to vent your angry feelings, so you can work through them.
3. Don't worry about losing control. One fear many people have is that if they let their anger out, they won't be able to control the rage that may be inside them. This is usually a fear with no basis in fact. Find a safe place to vent your anger. Punch a pillow, scream, or do whatever makes you feel the release you need.
4. Don't worry about what other people will think. If you feel anger, you have a right to feel that way. Individuals may think that it's acceptable to express grief or sadness, but anger may bring on feelings of embarrassment or shame. Allow yourself to go through your emotions, no matter which ones they are.
5. Get regular exercise. If you are having a hard time processing the reasons for your anger, it may just be resulting from your overall situation and the frustration you feel from dealing with stress. Taking a walk, doing aerobics, or even kickboxing can make a person dealing with anger feel much relief. Do an exercise that you know is safe for you, and give it your all. Check with your physician if you have any questions about whether or not exercise is appropriate for you.
It is easy in the situation of divorce to find yourself filled with anger. Especially if you did not want a divorce and are feeling a lack of control over the direction your life has taken. The feelings are justifiable and understandable. That doesn't mean anger should become the driving emotion in your life. Studies show a direct relationship between unresolved anger and physical illness. Below are five coping techniques that will help you live longer, without toxic anger.
Keep Your Anger from Causing Physical Illness
1. Release Your Anger.
Anger is energy; the trick is to use that energy in a positive way. Expressing anger by lashing out only causes more tension in your body. It feels good temporarily but in reality only ads to the problem. Physical exercise is a healthy way to release the energy and tension from anger. Take up jogging, do some aerobics or kick boxing. If exercise isn't possible try relaxation exercises such as deep breathing. Inhale to the bottom of your stomach, hold for a count of 5 and then slowly release by consciously relaxing your muscles.
2. Adjust Your Expectations. You expected your marriage to last and your spouse to be around forever. Those are reasonable expectations and your anger is understandable. You need to get angry and get over it because to continue to expect your expectations to be met when your life experience tells you they aren't is irrational. You have to adjust, learn to live with the hand you are dealt and move on with your life. You can live with situations that you feel are unacceptable without letting the anger you feel take over your life. We all expect certain things when it comes to the behavior of other people. The truth is though; we have no control over their behavior, only over how we react to it.
3. Live in the Present
Don't look too far back and too far ahead. Constantly looking back at what you had means not paying attention to, today and what you have now that is of value. If you use all your emotional energy thinking about how things used to be, you will have no energy left for today. The same goes for looking ahead and how things would have been if you had not divorced. Staying stuck in the past or grieving over what we feel we lost in the future takes away our ability to live today with awareness.
4. Replace Anger with Empathy
Understanding the motivation behind someone else's actions can and will help alleviate some anger toward that person. You may not agree with what they are doing but delving into their reasons for doing it and understanding their emotional frame of mind helps you replace some of your feelings of anger with empathy. Your spouse may be as angry as you are, or their actions may be motivated by fear. Walking a mile in the other guy's shoes can give us great perspective and emotional release. Keep Anger at Your Ex from Hurting Your Child.
Divorce can bring out the worst in people. It can cause an exceptional parent to lose focus on what is best for his/her children, which in turn can cause the children to feel mistreated. It seems some parents can't divorce their bad feelings for an ex spouse from their feelings for their children. When those negative feelings bleed over into the relationship with children, the result is a fractured child/parent relationship.
A parent can turn their child's anger into acceptance if they are there to help their child cope with the stress of divorce. It's important that the divorced parent put away their own anger and hurt feelings in order to heal the relationship with their child. A parent needs to set standards for themselves that will help meet their child's needs. These standards, along with the help of a therapist can be very helpful when attempting to heal a relationship with an angry child. Below are some guidelines for dealing with an angry child.
Love your child and be there for them even if their words are hurtful. Show your child love by expressing it. Show love when you talk to him/her, no matter how hurtful you feel they are being toward you. Hold your child accountable but do not abandon them because the pain is too much for you to deal with. Be there to show them what is and isn't proper behavior. If they won't communicate with you write them letters on a regular basis. Keep a connection going, even from a distance. Show an interest in their life, ask what they are doing and how they are feeling. Don't allow your new life to cause you to lose interest in the needs of your children. If the anger continues, be willing to go to therapy with your child. Show your child that you will stop at nothing to rebuild your relationship.
Keep in mind that the anger is coming from fear of losing you as a parent. If your child has questions and needs to talk about the divorce be willing to listen and respond. You need to try and see things from their perspective. Ask other family members to intervene. Ask them to talk to your child in a positive manner about the importance of the parent/child relationship.
You may feel rejected and hurt but it's important you stay strong for your child's sake. Do not put new relationships above the relationship with your child. Even if you meet someone new, continue to live in a way that lets your child know they are your number one priority. A single parent support group can be key to the survival of your relationship with your child. Talking and sharing ideas with parents who are experiencing the same problems will generate new options and ways to deal. Don't bottle up your feelings and refuse to talk about them or deal with your children's anger. You stand to lose the most important relationship you have if you do.
Responding to Other People's Opinions About Your Divorce
During divorce, many people find they have to deal with divorce advice given by others. Even though divorce does not carry the social stigma that it did in 1950's or 1960's, some people will still feel they have a right to voice their opinion to you about your divorce. So how do you respond? Some people are genuinely concerned. They may ask if you are sure this is the right move. Family usually falls into this category because they are worried about how this will affect you, and your finances. People in this category need to be reassured that even though you may need some support from those who love you, you know you will be able to handle whatever changes the divorce may bring.Some people judge you because they are jealous. Although it seems strange that some people could be jealous of a person getting divorced, it is common. People may be in bad marriages themselves and feel like a martyr by staying in it. Coming from the place of being a martyr makes them feel freer to judge others. They may say things like, "Well, what about your vows? I stayed in my marriage even though it was hard." The best way to handle this type of person is to be assertive but firm. You can say something like, "I understand that you feel that was the best choice for you, but each situation is different, and I have to decide what is best for me." Some people may believe divorce is just wrong. Some may pass moral judgment on you because you are getting divorced. This could be a result of a strong religious base, or a strong moral platform they have taken that divorce is wrong in all situations. Each person has to decide whether or not divorce is the solution for themselves and their spouse. This type of person is probably the most difficult to deal with. It is best to say firmly that you respect their beliefs, but you feel there are no easy answers when it comes to divorce, and you will make your decisions yourself the best way you can for all concerned. Some may judge you because of rumors they have heard about the divorce. Divorce is a hot topic of gossip, and you may find yourself talked about by people at work or in other social situations. You may find that rumors of infidelity are being spread. If others approach you about rumors they have heard, it is your decision whether you feel close enough to that person to give them any explanations. If you feel it is actually none of their business, you have to say that firmly, without being rude. An assertive way to phrase it might be, "My divorce is a very private matter to me, and I don't want to feel that I have to explain it to other people who are not involved." Some may say they are worried about your children and the effect a divorce may have on them. One woman reported a co-worker commenting that she was "ruining her children's lives." This is best handled with a statement that no one knows your childrens needs better than you and that, as a parent, you will always make decisions that affect them with much consideration, but that the decision is yours to make. People can sometimes seem to come out of the woodwork with divorce advice. It is up to you to set firm boundaries on what you will and will not discuss when it comes to your personal life. Don't feel you have to make excuses to anyone. You are an adult and, as such, have the right to make your own decisions free from the judgments of others who have not walked in your shoes. Don't be intimidated by other people's opinions. Be strong and assertive and others will realize they need to stay out of it and let you live your own life.
Top Tips To Help You Resolve Conflict With An Ex - Spouse. Dealing with a difficult ex-spouse can be very discouraging, frustrating and defeating. If there are children involved, we feel it is our responsibility to try to have a healthy relationship with our ex - spouse. At times, your efforts may not be returned, hence the frustration. Hopefully the following tips will help you when dealing with an ex who doesn't seem to want to deal. Be sure to notice your own part of the ongoing conflict. Ex - spouses often feel justified in their anger. They may feel you need to change or they may not trust you and your desire to have a conflict free relationship. Any time you try to change anyone, even for the best of reasons you invite hostility as a response. Learn to lower your expectations and to not try to change what you don't have control over. The more you try and change your ex or the situation the more conflict you are going to deal with.
