Communication is a vital part of any marriage, and if not marked by open, honest communication, is one that will never enjoy more than a shallow intimacy. The reason for this can be found in the differences between men and women when it comes to communication. Most husbands Iknow are content
to give a once-every-two-or-three-days overview on how they are doing. Most wives want a detailed conversation about what is going on in their husband's life and mind every single day.
Early in our marriage, I would walk in the door after work and Karen would grill me with questions: How was your day? Who did you see? What did they say? Not only did I not want to be interrogated when I got home, but Karen wouldn't accept one-word answers like "Fine," "Nobody," and "Nothing."
She wanted detail. I wanted some peace and quiet. It was frustrating for both of us.
The solution is finding a good balance between those two extremes. First, a man needs to accept the fact that communication is a legitimate need for his wife - it's not just something she wants.
So when she grills you for information, she's not trying to be nosy or unreasonable. She is trying to be part of your life. Sharing information is one of the most powerful ways a wife is made to feel one with her husband.
On the other hand, wives need to understand that, for many men, sharing detailed information about their activities or feelings makes them feel uncomfortable. For them to open up completely is not like flipping a switch - it takes practice, and women need to let them go through this process with patience and encouragement.
It took me awhile, but eventually I realized this in my own marriage. I saw how much it meant to Karen, so I set aside a time every day to talk to her. When our kids were small, we put them to bed around 8:30 or 9 pm, then spent the next hour just talking. No television. No distractions. It was just the two of us.
As the kids grew older and began going to bed later, we simply required them to be in their rooms by 9 pm, reading or studying, so we could have our time alone.
When we first started doing this, I actually believed that I was sacrificing for my wife. What a prince I was, forfeiting my valuable time to do something silly like talking!
But soon that time became the highlight of my day. I began to enjoy it just as much as Karen did. We're still spending that hour together today. It works because we both made a compromise. I agreed to open up and talk in detail. She agreed not to grill me when I came home from work.
Open, frank, and honest communication is essential for marital success. Women seldom have affairs because of sex. They have affairs because they find a man who will communicate with them in a sensitive, open manner, making them feel special.
A husband who wants to affair-proof his marriage needs to be prepared to open up. A wife who wants to affair-proof her marriage needs to give him space and time as he learns to do so. And both must be willing to compromise.
I grew up in a family that was not very affectionate. My older brothers and I fought all the time. When I got married, one of my weakest skills was related to affection. Women need non-sexual affection, and I was not prepared to provide it. For the first eight years of my relationship with Karen, I seldom held her or touched her for any length of time without becoming rough or sexual.
But I was happy to touch her in sexual ways. I remember one time she was standing at the sink washing dishes and I came up behind her, reached around, and grabbed her breasts. As you might expect, she wasn't thrilled. She turned around in total frustration and said, "Can't you touch me anywhere but there?"
I replied, "Sure, but I don't want to." And I was being honest. I didn't want to stop the sexual touching. I was annoying, rough, and entirely complacent about changing or meeting her needs.
Over and over through our marriage, Karen kept telling me how she wanted me to hold her and touch her in non-sexual ways. I figured she was going through a phase. I though she needed to toughen up. I didn't get it.
I didn't understand that non sexual touching is a major need in a woman.
Karen never changed, nor should she have. The need for affection is in her basic nature. I was the one who needed to change. But I didn't think I could do it. It went against my whole upbringing.
However, the Holy Spirit began to convict me that He was able to change anything if I would have a willing heart. So I gave in and decided to try.
One day she was sitting on the couch folding clothes. I sat down next to her and put my arm around her, holding her lovingly. She wondered what I was up to. I explained how I was trying to be affectionate to her in a non-sexual way.
"Keep it up," she said. "I like it."
I began to like it, too. I worked hard at this for several weeks until it became comfortable to me. To my surprise and delight, I found that the more affectionate I became toward Karen, the more sexually responsive Karen became toward me.
My obedience to God and honoring Karen's wishes in this area was a real breakthrough for our relationship and for me personally.
Besides meeting her needs, I found that showing affection to my wife makes my children secure and provides them a good role model. Kids need affection, but they also need to see their parents showing affection to each other.
Women, explain to your husbands, how important it is that they touch you in tender, non-sexual ways.
Men, do what you can to meet this important need for your wife. Regardless of your own likes and dislikes, it will meet her needs and improve your marriage in tremendous ways.
Blessings,
