Your mate is having an affair with your best friend or someone else. Your mind races, your emotions range from maddening frenzy to abject panic. You can't eat, sleep or think straight.
Nothing is as painful as an affair. You trusted someone with your heart, soul and emotions; you expected faithfulness. You counted on them to keep you safe. An affair shatters the trust, safety and honesty you believed in.
"How could they do that to me? How can someone I love and trust betray me in this way?" you ask.
An affair seems unthinkable. Unspeakable. Unbearable. After all, the one who had the affair is the one who stepped out of the sacred bounds of the marriage.
With feelings intensified, the victim often attacks the villain, creating even more distance than existed before. Feeling intensely betrayed, enraged and resentful, the lines are drawn-victim and villain. While it is tempting to close our hearts, vilifying the one who had the affair, we must examine what led up to the affair.
Most affairs occur in the context of significant marriage issues. While this in no way justifies an affair, the skilled counselor helps the couple look deeper at the marriage problems that existed long before the affair took place. The marriage usually needs far more repair than problems caused by the affair alone.
Studies show that marriages susceptible to affairs struggle with these issues:
1. A lack of functionality--fighting about the same issues again and again;
2. A lack of intimacy-ineffective communication, with feelings of distance, resentment and turmoil;
3. A Lack of Acceptance/ Significance-ignoring your mate's need for acceptance, appreciation and significance;
4. A lack of excitement--allowing the relationship to become stale, with little "spark" or adventure;
5. A lack of sexual enthusiasm--allowing their sexual life to become boring and routine, or perhaps nonexistent.
If you find yourself with some of these "symptoms," seek immediate help. Your relationship is vulnerable to an affair. If you are struggling from the aftermath of an affair, here are steps to take to recover:
Be with your feelings. The one who has been victimized, as well as the one who had the affair, has feelings about what took place. Both must learn to be patient as they work through feelings of betrayal. Healing will take time, and you must settle in for a long period of counseling. The one victimized by the affair can expect to have a long season of roller coaster emotions, and the one who had the affair must be patient in the healing process.
Recognize both played a role in the affair. This doesn't mean the victim "caused" the affair, or must take responsibility for it. What it means is both are responsible for creating an environment in which an affair could occur (short of being married to a sexual addict.)
Both must take an active role in healing from the affair. Both must examine the circumstances in the marriage prior to the affair, exploring ways their communication, conflict resolution skills, and perhaps patterns of intimacy, played a role in the affair. Both must be diligent about taking responsibility for their part, and set out to heal problems.
Understand that it will take time, and effort, to restore trust. Trust can be restored, but this will require effort and wisdom. Healthy boundaries must be restored to the marriage. The one who had the affair must show, repeatedly, that they are truly sorry for the damage they have caused. Both must be committed to long term healing of the marriage.
Make every effort to understand what your mate is experiencing. If you had the affair, make continuous effort to understand your mate's feelings of betrayal. If you have been victimized, work at seeing the larger picture. Try to see the affair as a symptom of a larger, more complex problem.
You must honestly evaluate your relationship before the affair, owning your part in the problems. Seek professional counsel to heal the brokenness in your relationship.
PAT... MY COMMENTS:
Be willing to look at your relationship honestly. Make a list of the positive traits of your spouse. I know that is hard to do when you are hurting, but it is necessary. Often times if you look at the positive things as well as the negatives, the positive will really outweigh the negatives.
I encourage you to look farther than yourself and your feelings. Feelings can be deceiving. Emotions can be deceiving. Couples jump into feel good relationships and get married, often knowing very little about each other. Each of you have circumstances that cause you to have needs. We think in terms of I, me and my. We have expectations of others. What about ourselves? Do we ask on a regular basis, what can I do to be my best for my significant other?
Do you really understand the pressures of your mate, or do we concentrate on our own pressures and needs? Each of the two people in a relationship need love. Love is an action word. It doesn't just happen. We have to work on making an effort to love our mate each and every day. How do we do that?
One of the ways is by investing time in talking. That is what both of you need, even if we don't realize that. Find a positive place to talk. Maybe it will be while walking, away from the confines of the home and distractions. Walking allows you to feel free and unconfined. In your neighborhood or at a park where there is peace and freshness.
Communication, that is positive in nature and sharing our needs and feelings in love. I encourage you not to be a finger pointer. Neither of us is going to be perfect. Be willing to admit that each of us is a work in progress and daily we can make progress if we take action and make an effort.
With the divorce rate at 50 - 60 %, what kind of role models did we or do we have? Even if we had a good role model (which is often not the case) the amount of time spent talking about what to do to encourage a good marriage is limited.
If we still have parents who are alive, they hope we can live our lives and make the right choices, but hope just doesn't cut it. We need to learn from others and put into practice things that can and will make all the difference in the world in the happiness and success a marriage can have.
We would like to think we know it all. How many books have you read on marriage and relationships? (at the library, there are tons and they don't cost anything to read) How many professionals have you spoken with that can give you truly good advice.
I am so thankful that the God that created you and I didn't just throw us out here and say good luck, Hope you make it! He gave us his instruction manual, the bible to guide us. It is not just a religious book. Anything and everything we could possibly experience in life is in it. Advice and wisdom is there for every area of our lives.
The church is filled with couples just like you and I that have experienced and are learning how to respond to life positively. They are there with open arms of love to share the obstacles they have encountered and how they overcame those and with advice that can work for you.
Why would you try to walk through life alone, thinking you can make it without the help of others. Choose someone in the church that has a seasoned and long term marriage and I can guarantee you they have already experienced just what you are going through and successfully overcome that bump in the road. (please, for your sake and the sake of your marriage, don't make the bump a mountain) Satan wants to steal your joy and ruin your marriage and cause you to give up on each other.) Do not give him the victory. He would love for you to be alone and miserable and have to start all over again. Don't just throw away all the time you have invested in this relationship.
Who taught you how to make decisions and how to think of your mate first. In the human world of people, success and satisfaction we are taught to look out for number one. With that kind of attitude and seeking advice from or talking to someone else that does not have a sound marital relationship, we will only get bad advice. (selfish advice) And that can come from well meaning individuals. You wouldn't ask a plumber how to bake bread. Go to someone who is proficient in their field or marital relationship.
If you don't currently go to a church, find one. Many have marriage counselors right there in their church. Ask the Pastor to refer you to a couple in the church that has a successful marriage that could be a help to you.
Personally, I am a man of faith. I believe God loves each of us, created each of us and wants the best for us. If you don't make him a part of your marriage, how in the world can he bless you with a great marriage? I also believe that prayer is very important. I suggest that every man have another man in his life that is a Christian who he can partner up with as a prayer partner and talk to during the week on a regularly scheduled time and numbers of days of the week. It could just be on the phone.
Monday thru Fridays, I start my day first thing in the morning with someone like that. His name is Lester. We do two different devotionals talk about them, their meaning, how we can plug into our lives what we have just learned, how and when we saw God working in our life yesterday, how we may have blown something, how we are going to fix it and hold each other accountable to do the right thing.
We compliment each other for doing the right things and share when we make mistakes. We forgive each other and pray together. That also gives us the opportunity to see how God answers prayer and give God that credit when it happens, with excitement. It is always great to see God working and doing special things in our relationships and/or marriage. Men understand other men and can connect.
I also recommend that each woman find another Christian woman to become a prayer partner with. Women understand other women and can share things a man may never understand.
If you feel your marriage lacks intimacy, real deep intimacy, not sex, but intimacy, pray with your spouse on a regular basis.(on your knees side by side holding hands)
When your mate hears you telling God your most significant needs, they will become aware of those true inner feelings and can understand them better and respond to them.
Feel free to contact: The Marriage Recovery Center/ Dr. David Hawkins today at 360.490.5446 or write for more information at YourRelationshipDoctor@yahoo.com <mailto:YourRelationshipDoctor@yahoo.com> .
You can also contact Rev. Vic Logan at the Christian Help Network, thegoodnewsplus@aol.com <mailto:thegoodnewsplus@aol.com> or call 770 603-0372.
Remember, what ever you are going through is not an obstacle, just an opportunity to make your marriage much better. I guarantee you as a result of what you are going through, your marriage will be stronger and better. Think positive thoughts and hold on to God's promises. He says in Philippians 4:13, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
You can and you will. Just make up your mind you are going to have a successful marriage and no one or no circumstance can get in your way.
Another positive resource is Rejoice Marriage Ministries, Charlyne & Bob Steinkamp www.rejoiceministries.org <http://www.rejoiceministries.org/> . Be sure to read many of their testimonies of couples that are standing for their marriages in spite of very difficult circumstances and winning the battle against Satan. It is amazing how many divorcees and separations are seeing their relationships restored.
