Being a part of a loving and providing family is a blessing. Blended families are more common than ever, which is why it's important to fully understand the dynamic that may result before entering into one. Successfully blending two families takes patience and a commitment to each individual, but can be very rewarding for both parents and children. Whether you're considering remarriage or are already involved in one, clarifying the issues surrounding a blended family will help make the transition easier…
Give it Time and Time it Right
Timing is usually everything when it comes to blending families. Keep in mind that jumping into a new marriage directly after a divorce or loss of a spouse may not be a good idea, for either parent or child. Sometimes the parent needs time to grow individually and focus on the child, while the child needs time to digest and adjust to the loss of one family before entering into another. Blended families will also be more successful when there is a healthy parent-child relationship already established. Even if you give it lots of time, you still shouldn't assume that during the courting or after the wedding the family is going to become one big happy, cohesive unit. Having this expectation compromises everyone's ability to adjust at their own pace. Putting pressure on stepchildren to accept and love the new family can breed resentment.
It's equally important for both the biological and step parents to not expect or demand that their children love the stepparent. The only thing that should be expected is a mutual respect between adult and child. Stepparents may never fully gain the love and trust of stepchildren, but allowing them to build a relationship at a pace where they feel comfortable betters the chance that a true love for each other will grow. Once relationships have formed and bonds have been established, a healthy family mentality will be present, and you can start incorporating family rituals and family functions. Creating new ones within the blended family gives everyone involved a sense of belonging.
Kids Come First
While you may believe that entering into a blended family is best for your child or children, it's not always the case. This is why there seems to be what too many stepparents label as the "problem child," those stepchildren who act up or show disdain for the new family. However, while the child's behavior may be hurtful or destructive, it's not fair to wither it down to bad behavior.
In blended families, children may feel no defined place in the new family and therefore may feel alienated. Each parent of their own child should take every opportunity to address the child's feelings about the new marriage and family.
According to the age of the children when the blended family is formed, children under 10 years old tend to adjust the best, while adolescents and teenagers find it the most difficult. Bad behavior from children may not be acceptable, but rather than just punishing, take the time to understand the underlying reasons for it before addressing the problem.
Drawing the Lines of Parenting
More than likely, you will find that defining a "stepparent" and the role they should take on when it comes to their stepchildren's lives is difficult, especially when the other biological parent is still involved. For example, when is disciplining the child appropriate?
It's a good idea for new stepparents to ease into a disciplinarian role, until a decent relationship has formed. It is also vital for a stepparent to show support for the relationship to the biological parent if they're still in the picture. Respect that the child may have to live in two different households, in the case of divorce, and don't undermine a biological parent's standards and rules.
It's equally important to never put the child in the middle of any animosity or to put the biological parent down. For parents and new stepparents, you are consciously entering into a decision where everyone's best interest must be at heart. Security and happiness can thrive in all kinds of families, you just have to know and have the right ingredients to nurture them.
How Dysfunctional Is Your Family?
As much as we may try to sugar-coat it with terms like "eccentric" or "interesting," some of us have downright dysfunctional families. Don't be ashamed - it happens to the best of us. If you're unsure whether your family is dysfunctional or not, you may want to find out by taking this dysfunctional-family quiz. So what if you come to the conclusion that your father more like Archie Bunker than you realized? At least you'll have a better perspective of your (crazy) family.
GUEST COMMENT: I have found that it is best for the biological parent to do the diciplining especially until the stepchild has built a healthy respect and loving relationship with the step parent. The step parent just needs to love and encourage the step child. The most important thing is that the parents agree as to how to dicipline the different children in advance as some children are different than others. Never ever disagree with each other as parents in front of the child. It is important that you support each other and that the children know you stand together in a loving way. Even if you don't agree, share those feelings in private with your marriage partner where the children won't know. Come to a workable decision between the two of you and then
Encourage the biological parent to make any changes necessary with the support of the stepparent. Always end those things with love. Let the children know you agree with each other and support each other. When they feel the togetherness of the two of you and the love they will support any decision you make together. If as a couple you pray together before and after any change of decision, that will be the super glue you need to have a happy, healthy family.
Remember some step children will try to play you one against the other. Don't let them do that. They must never be allowed to accomplish that. Remember you got married to each other first and the children come next.
Do not try to force your spouse to make any unhealthy decision. Agree even if you have to give in. That is better than any battle. If necessary, sit and talk as a couple with the step child and in a loving way let them know you are together on issues. (in love) Always end the conversation with a hug to both your spouse and to the step child. Try never to make a stepchild feel like a second class member of the family. Treat each child with the same love and respect and it will come back to you. Also, do not try to force your stepchild to love you. Earn that respect and love. Never be afraid to say I'm sorry to a stepchild or spouse if you have initially made a bad decision. They will respect you for saying I'm sorry in a loving way.
