Problems with a "nightmare" mother-in-law have plagued women for as long as marriage has been an institution. Whether you recently married, or you just celebrated your fifteenth wedding anniversary, chances are your life is affected by relationships you have "wed into." These connections can be rocky or easy, invigorating or exhausting, but learning how to recognize common conflicts and problems with your mother-in-law and diffusing her power over your life will result in improved relationships with both her and your spouse.
For those who share a flawless relationship with a mother-in-law, congratulations. You either have a gift for dispute resolution or you have been blessed with a gem of a mother-in-law. If you are as countless others who have attempted to resolve issues only to be rewarded in frustration, this article won't make her go away, but it will offer survival methods and suggestions for dealing with the stresses of such a relationship.
There are as many types of nightmare mother-in-laws as there are types of people, but most fall into, one or are a combination of, the following: the Control Freak, the Joker, the Perfectionist, the Judge, the Cash Concerned, the Baby Badger, the Snoop, the One-Upper, the Liar, the Hypochondriac, the Busy Body, the Dramatic, the Clinger, the Copycat, the Ex Obsessed, the Attention Hog, or the Cold Cookie.
Nightmare Mother-In-Law #1 The Control Freak: Your mother-in-law's suggestions are plentiful and incessant. She either flat-out commands you to do things her way, or she pretends to be nonchalant about whether or not she is trying to pressure you, but you still feel her push. Whether she wants to plan your wedding or tries to micromanage your home, this kind of mother-In-Law leaves stress in her wake. A helpful suggestion is one thing, but this lady wants your life done her way!
Understanding Common Conflicts with Your Mother-in-Law
Coping: Limit her visits to times when your husband is home, and prepare him for the fact that your mother-in-law's constant demands make you feel uncomfortable. Most of the time, a confrontation with her would only lead to hurt feelings on both sides. She might think that she is being helpful when you feel that she is trying to dominate your household.
Another diffusion technique is the counter. If your mother-in-law suggests something, instead of smiling and nodding, tell her that sounds like a great idea, but you decided it would be best 'this way' because it suited your family better. She might not be trying to frustrate you, and perhaps she still can not feel out the correct place in her son's life. Give your mother-in-law a chance to make suggestions on your terms, (when you really need her advice,) and both of you will feel better about the relationship.
Nightmare Mother-In-Law #2 The Joker: Whether you're sensitive, or you consider yourself to have thick skin, it is not always easy when someone feels that every put down or insult they dream up is comedy quality. Yet, there are some family members, even mothers-in-law who are oblivious to the hurt caused when they're cutting up on the people they love. They just don't seem to understand that the act should be left to the stage professionals. Regardless of this fact, they inadvertently hurt feelings, and after a while, it begins to wear on relationships.
Coping: This is a situation where a note or private chat with your mother-in-law would be best served. Most family humorists have no idea that they are hurting feelings during their routines. If they tell you to lighten up, you can try curtailing the act by addressing injury at the point of its conception. For example, respond to your mother-in-law's comment about your change in dress size with, "Well, I think we heard enough about how much weight I've gained since the baby. Let's find something a little less insensitive to talk about."
Nightmare Mother-In-Law #3 The Perfectionist: You observe in silence as your mother-in-law's eyes scan the entire house for anything out of place. The meals you serve are not good enough, and your hair style is never quite right for her tastes. Your mother-in-law points out every flaw and fault, and refers to her own skills in every arena, or perhaps she doesn't tell you directly but instead spreads the word to others. Her nitpicking is giving you a headache.
Coping: If you can not be perfect in her eyes, relax. Without imperfection, we would have no art, no music, and especially no books, because the world would be forced to fit into one person's perception. Of course, this is little comfort when you're faced with a frumpy inspection by a mother-in-law who loves to find the problems. If her main target is your home, always visit in a neutral place like a restaurant. If your mother-in-law's target is you, the best comment to respond to an insult of your latest dress is, "Oh, you don't like it? Your son loves it."
Nightmare Mother-In-Law #4 The Judge: She was perfect when she married her husband. Your mother-in-law has no negative history. They lived a blissful courtship and he was the very first kiss. Consequently, you have made errors in your past and she is quick to decide what kind a woman you will be in the future. Your style indicates one thing, your mannerisms another, and no matter what you do, your mother-in-law is always looking down on you and sizing up your faults.
Coping: Realize that her manner of judgment may be the result of past issues with her own in-laws or parents. Most judgmental people are the result of personal faults they do not want exposed or a history of being bullied. Quickly change the subject if issues brought about are extremely personal in nature, and realize that there is no such thing as a perfect past. Your spouse chose you for a reason, and although your mother-in-law may dwell on your faults and assumptions she has made about your future, there is no reason for you to do the same.
If you can not find a successful diffusion method, limit the amount of time spent absorbing your mother-in-law's assumptions by always having an agenda of other things to discuss. Judges need time to be proven incorrect about your character. This can take years.
Nightmare Mother-In-Law #5 Cash Concerned: Your mother-in-law has given you paperwork on mutual funds, banks, and ideas to make money on the side. She is constantly asking you about money and bragging about
her own income. Conversations almost always gravitate toward finances, and it's beginning to make you feel insignificant or irritated. She may have even offered to help you budget your monthly expenses!
Coping: Your mother-in-law may be bragging about her own status, or perhaps she is genuinely concerned about your future. Regardless, it is likely this behavior is unintentional. Usually, letting her know that you're okay or letting her know that you've got everything under control will be enough to satisfy your mother-in-law's concerns. However, if it's constant crowing about material gains that is bothering you, you might be justified. Grandstanding could negatively impact your children or your own self esteem. Whenever your mother-in-law begins to discuss her wealth, try the comment, "Isn't it wonderful how some people have lived their entire lives with minimal possessions? That is something to really aspire to."
Nightmare Mother-In-Law #6 The Baby Badger: Whether you are struggling with infertility, decided not to have a child, or you just haven't started the family yet, you are constantly reminded that your mother-in-law would love to have a grandchild. Perhaps she has even begun to plan the nursery or purchase a layette "just in case." The stress on your marriage is taking its toll, as this has become the subject of many family gatherings. She has even begun to pry into whether or not you have infertility issues she can help you with. After all, your mother-in-law had her children when she was young.
Coping: If you are dealing with infertility, nothing cuts deeper than the impatience of others, but your mother-in-law may not know that she is being insensitive. Similarly, the pressure to procreate might also be difficult to withstand when you are just not ready to be rushed into motherhood or when you and your husband have decided against having children. Sometimes, a quiet talk with your mother-in-law can be all it takes to clip this badgering, but often you have to have more answers for them than seems necessary to call a truce.
