The loss of a mate is different from the loss of a parent. And how grief does or doesn't get handled depends on the person who is bereaved. But one thing is certain - the death of a child is among the most agonizing of all grief events. Much has been written for the parents. But little is written about what to do or not do as a friend or family member when someone you know or love loses a child.

I have very dear friends who lost their toddler-aged son in a freak accident over 20 years ago. The father, spoke to me willingly when I asked if he would help me in writing this article. Many thanks go to him for the generosity of his heart. He spoke to me in hopes that it might help others be as compassionate as helpful as possible.

I asked what was most helpful immediately after the loss, and then later, after the funeral and the first few weeks.

First, do not be afraid.

Acknowledge that your friend has been through a loss. My Friend and his wife were surprised at the number of people who treated them as though they had some sort of contagious disease, staying away, keeping them at a distance. Perhaps, he surmised, they feared what it might feel like to lose their own child, or feared what it might feel like to be helpless in the face of such loss. Losing a child is every parent's worst fear. The upshot was, they had some missing persons in the roughest point in their lives.

Second, do not shrink from looking into the eyes of grief.

Maybe some people didn't know what to say. "I will never forget the man who just stayed with me for a day, " he said. "He didn't say much, and we were not deep friends. He just showed up and stayed with me. We talked when I wanted to, or could. It meant so much to me" There is no magic thing to do. And every one is different. Sometimes a simple "I am so sorry this happened," said from the heart, really touches someone. It doesn't have to be flowery. It just has to be real.

Thirdly, do what you can to help be part of a supportive effort.

"It was so helpful to have people say that they were praying for us, that we were being remembered in an ongoing way and being lifted up." he said. Remembrances such as mass cards, memorial donations, phone calls, letters, visible touchstones that were signs of caring all were welcomed. "I may have forgotten some of them, as those first weeks were and are still a blur, but I know what we appreciated."

Fourth, do not make the bereaved handle your discomfort.

If the loss of a child tears your heart apart, deal with it separately. Put it aside as much as you can so that you do not inhibit your expression of compassion for your friend.

Fifth, offer help with the small details by just diving in and helping.

Drop off a casserole and a salad in disposable containers. The everyday chores and habits of life are going to be unsprung. Try to gently insert your help in whatever way is most sensible, just to keep the family moving through these first days of shock and anguish. To say "Call me if you need anything," probably means they won't call. Either they will not be able to articulate what they need, or they will be uncomfortable asking.

Sixth Remember that the whole family is grieving, not just the Mom, not just the parents.

What didn't help?

My Friend talked a fair bit about his faith. I'll share what he said for those of you to whom faith is important. He pointed out the religious platitudes that people tossed out. "Oh, you know," he said, "remarks like 'I guess God just needed another angel.' or 'I am sure God did this for a purpose.' I have to believe that our son did not die either for God's pleasure or to enhance his plans. I do know, however, that God was with us as we walked through the darkest days. That was the real comfort."

Trying to give him and his wife answers that were supposed to make them feel better in the midst of the agony just made it harder. When I spoke to him, we agreed that this may be a person's way of putting the pain in a more manageable place for themselves, as opposed to for the bereaved. But the loss of a child is not "manageable".

Dietrich Bonhoeffer said that faith is "living in the midst of ambiguity". My Friend went on to say that he didn't know why his son died, or even if there is a why. He added that it doesn't help when people thought they should be content with those phrases as some sort of explanation that results in comfort. They just made him angry. He knew in retrospect that people were just trying to be helpful. But at the point of their worst grief in life, neither Chris now his wife had the strength to take on anyone else's limitations.

"It helped to be reminded that God was with us in the darkness of this time. I know that God grieved with me," he said. That is a deeper and much more powerful faith statement than much of what he heard. "If we say God is in charge of every detail of what happens in life, then we are much more likely to blame God," he added. We then spoke for some time about the idea that tragedy and loss can be random, blameless. And that the relationship God has to suffering is not that he inflicts it, but that God stands with us sharing the feeling with us, and upholding us through it.

"One of the least helpful things anyone could say is that they understand what you are going through," he said. People say they know how you feel. They don't. Every grief is unique to every person. I never felt, prior to the loss of my son, how important it is to experience a loss in order to understand it."

If there are other children in the family, it does not help to say, "Well, at least you still have Suzie and Bill."

If the child is young, or an infant, it does not help to say, "Well, you can always try again." Or, "You can always adopt."

Though the above two paragraphs should go without saying, it is stunning the number of times people will say things like that to grieving parents.

"You cannot walk in the shoes of the bereaved. Just stand with them and let them tell their story."

Children are valuable and precious symbols of what lies ahead. Children are considered the hope of the future. Two universals stand out when reflecting on parental grief-a child's death is disorienting, and letting go of a child is impossible. Parents never forget a child who dies. The bond they formed with their child extends beyond death. As survivors, bereaved parents try to adapt to the new existence forced on them. They try to pass on to others the love and other special gifts they received from their child; they try to make the child who died a part of their lives forever; they constantly try to "honor the child who should have lived" .

Bereaved parents say, "Our children are in our blood; the bond with them doesn't seem to break [and they attempt to] find subtle and apparently unconscious ways of preserving that bond" (Finkbeiner 1996, xiii, xiv). Bereaved parents need to do this to deal with what seems like an endless roadblock of loss and sadness. One bereaved parent expressed it by saying that the wound heals, but the scar remains forever.

Bereaved parents learn to live with the memories, the lost hopes, the shattered dreams. [They] never 'get over' the death, but [they] do recover, adjust and learn to live with [the] pain.

- DONNELLY 1982, X

So The Conclusion is:

When trying to comfort grieving parents

DO:

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Acknowledge the child's death by telling the parents of your sadness for them and by expressing love and support; try to provide comfort.

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Visit and talk with the family about the child who died; ask to see pictures or mementoes the family may have.

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Extend gestures of concern such as bringing flowers or writing a personal note expressing your feelings; let the parents know of your sadness for them.

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Attend the child's funeral or memorial service.

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Remember anniversaries and special days.

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Donate to some specific memorial in honor of the child. Offer to go with the parent(s) to the cemetery in the days and weeks after the funeral, or find other special ways to extend personal and sensitive gestures of concern.

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Make practical and specific suggestions, such as offering to stop by at a convenient time, bringing a meal, purchasing a comforting book, offering to take the other children for a special outing, or treating the mother or father to something special.

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Respect the dynamics of each person's grief. The often-visible expressions of pain and confusion shown by grieving parents are normal. Grief is an ongoing and demanding process.

DO NOT:

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Avoid the parents or the grief. Refrain from talking about the child who died or referring to the child by name.

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Impose your views or feelings on the parents or set limits for them about what is right or appropriate behavior.

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Wait for the parents to ask for help or tell you what they need.

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Tell them you know just how they feel.

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Be afraid to let the parents cry or to cry with them.